Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 115 of 161 laps and won the Coke 400, his first ever Sprint Cup win at Daytona. He is now second in the Sprint Cup points standings, only 14 behind Kevin Harvick.
“That was my first win at Daytona,” Keselowski said, “and was made all the more satisfying because I held off both Kurt Busch and Kyle Busch. Therefore, after the race, it was a case of ‘sibling revelry.’”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was caught in an accident with 70 laps left, and limped home to a 39th-place finish, his worst of the year. He still holds the lead in the points standings, with a 14-point lead over Brad Keselowski.
“That was a scary accident,” Harvick said. “I rammed into the back of Brian Scott’s No. 44 car and his car was briefly riding on top of mine. I’ve been known to carry a team, but never an opponent.”
3. Kurt Busch: Busch was running third into the final corner before spinning through the infield grass after Joey Logano made contact with Busch’s No. 41 Chevrolet. He finished a disappointing 23rd,
“I’m not sure what Logano was thinking,” Busch said. “I don’t think he was thinking. In other words, there was nothing going through his mind, so the best course of action is for me to knock some sense into him. Suffice it to say Logano is in my crosshairs, which, some to think of it, makes me a perfect match for a female assassin.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano helped push Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski to the win at Daytona and finished fourth in the Coke Zero 400.
“I would have liked to win,” Logano said, “but I’m satisfied with my finish. Any ‘Fourth Of July’ is worth celebrating.”
5. Kyle Busch: Busch chased Brad Keselowski late at Daytona, searching for any chance to pass for the win. Keselowski was able to defend his position well, and Busch settled for the runner-up spot.
“Keselowski’s No. 2 got a serious push from Joey Logano,” Busch said. “I haven’t heard of a ‘boost’ like that since they found jet fuel in the Michael Waltrip Racing cars.”
6. Carl Edwards: Edwards started second at Daytona and led eight laps before a series of accidents left him with a 25th-place finish. He is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 58 out of first.
“The No. 19 Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota suffered a lot of damage,” Edwards said. “You could say it ‘hit more walls’ than a minority driver in NASCAR.”
7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson was one of 22 cars involved in a big wreck just past the halfway point at Daytona. Jamie McMurray and Kyle Larson made contact, and Johnson slammed into McMurray.
“I would say McMurray is at fault for the accident,” Johnson said. “Just look at his car number; it says he’s ‘The Big 1.’”
8. Chase Elliott: Elliott was one of several cars collected in a huge pileup just past the halfway point at Daytona. He eventually finished 32nd, 48 laps off the pace.
“There were 22 cars involved in that accident, to be exact,” Elliott said. “And that resulted in a lot of damage. July 4th may be Independence Day, but July 2nd was ‘Indepen-dents Day.’
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th in the Coke Zero 400, one week after his runner-up finish to Tony Stewart at Sonoma.
“I’ve experienced the highs and lows of racing this year,” Hamlin said. “I won February’s Daytona 500 by one the slimmest of margins in NASCAR racing history, and lost two weeks ago t Sonoma to one of the fattest of drivers.”
10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 29th at Daytona after suffering damage in a big accident just past the halfway point. He is seventh in the points standings, 83 out of first.
“That wreck affected 22 cars,” Truex said. “It seems that Jamie McMurray ordered ‘takeout.’ I guess, ironically, it was his lucky day, because everyone else had to pay for it.”