Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won his third consecutive race, emerging victorious at Las Vegas.
“I’m already in the next round of the Playoffs,” Keselowski said. “And so is my car. For the time being, I’m calling the No. 2 Ford ‘Advance Auto.’ Mention that name at your local Advance Auto store and win a free ‘plug.'”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch started fourth and finished seventh in the South Point 400.
“I was lucky to pull out a seventh,” Busch said. “We had a problem in the pits with a faulty air gun. No one likes these guns, but we’ve all had to bite the bullet and deal with it. Whoever invented these guns should be fired. But to take these air guns from NASCAR officials, we’d have to pry them from their cold, dead hands.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at Las Vegas and is now second in the playoff standings.
“It’s a great start to the Playoffs for Furniture Row Racing,” Truex said. “It’s highly likely that I’ll advance to the next round of the Playoffs. So when I say ‘We’re in business,’ I mean it with the least amount of irony possible.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 39th after blowing a tire on Lap 147, which sent him into the wall and into the path of Erik Jones’ No. 20, which rammed Harvick.
“I was very critical of Goodyear’s tires,” Harvick said. “And as you know, I’m not afraid to speak my mind. So, No. 1, I’m pissed. And No. 2, their tires are a ‘piece of crap.'”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second in the South Point 400, getting his Playoffs off to a great start.
“I’m very pleased with my finish,” Larson said. “The Las Vegas track sets up well for my style. In fact, all the drivers love racing at Las Vegas. All weekend, we get to call our crew chiefs ‘pit bosses.'”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch was collected in a late crash and finished 21st at Las Vegas, one lap down.
“Kyle and I consider Las Vegas Motor Speedway our home track,” Busch said. “You can call us ‘homey;’ most people would call us ‘homely.'”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth at Las Vegas, posting his sixth top five of the year. He is seventh in the playoff standings.
“Kevin Harvick had some harsh words for Goodyear tires,” Blaney said. “He called their tires ‘crap.’ I think Kevin was just extremely frustrated and probably didn’t mean what he said. Let’s hope this doesn’t stick with him. After all, ‘What crappens in Vegas stays in Vegas.'”
8. Joey Logano: Logano started second at Las Vegas and finished fourth as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski won his third consecutive race.
“That was Team Penske’s 500th win across all motorsports,” Logano said. “That’s decades of success that is incredibly impressive. If you think about all the trophies that resulted in those 500 wins, it would take an entire fleet of Penske moving trucks to transport them.”
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola was the top finisher among Stewart-Haas Racing cars with a sixth in the South Point 400. He is ninth in the playoff standings.
“I would compliment Goodyear tires,” Almirola said, “but that might cause some friction with my teammate Kevin Harvick. And the last thing I want to do is mention ‘Goodyear tires’ and ‘friction’ anywhere within earshot of Kevin.”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 23rd at Las Vegas.
“I feel for Kevin Harvick and his blown Goodyear tire,” Bowyer said. “There’s the Goodyear Blimp, then there’s the ‘Goodyear Gimp,’ which is Harvick’s No. 4 car on three good tires. So I guess Goodyear can’t expect Harvick to speak kindly of them, because the last thing he intends to be is a ‘Goodyear Pimp.'”