Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 18th at Charlotte.
“Luckily,” Busch said, “I was already on to Round 2 of the Playoffs. If there’s such a thing as a ‘leisurely’ drive around a ‘roval,’ that was it.”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was leading on the final lap when Jimmie Johnson attempted a daring pass and spun, sending Truex off course. Truex finished 14th.
“I deliberately spun Jimmie after the finish,” Truex said. “It’s called ‘an eye for an eye,’ or, as I’m fond of saying, ‘If you take a ‘dump’ on me, I’m gonna take a ‘dump’ on you.'”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth in the Bank Of America Roval 400.
“I clinched my spot in the next round simply by starting the race,” Harvick said. “Only a driver known as the ‘Closer’ could achieve such a feat.”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski misjudged the entry to Turn 1 on a late restart and caused a huge pileup. Keselowski’s day was done and he finished 31st.
“Turn 1 on the roval is a near-90 degree turn,” Keselowski said. “It appears I didn’t take the ‘right angle’ to safely navigate the corner. As such, my day took a sharp turn for the worse.”
5. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Charlotte and finished fifth in the Bank Of America Roval 400.
“Personally,” Busch said, “I like the ‘roval’ course. Like me, it’s unpredictable, and also like me, most people say they hope they never see it again.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Charlotte and moved on to Round 2 of the Playoffs.
“What a great finish,” Logano said. “You could call it a ‘fantastic’ finish. Some great finishes at NASCAR races can simply be called ‘tastic’ finishes because there are no ‘fans.'”
7. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer took third at Charlotte and joined his three Stewart-Haas Racing teammates in Round 2 of the Playoffs.
“There are 12 drivers in Round 2,” Bowyer said. “Four of those are SHR drivers. The chances that a driver for SHR ultimately wins the Monster Energy Cup championship are pretty good. How do I know? Because the ‘4’ of SHR is a good bet to win it all.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson won Stage 1 and finished 25 at Charlotte and is on to Round 2 of the Playoffs.
“But just barely,” Larson said. “I got caught up in Brad Keselowski’s wild ride through Turn 1 late in the race and ended up just squeezing into the next round. I would say all credit goes to the man upstairs, but only if Jimmie Johnson is a floor above me.
“I married my girlfriend Katelyn Sweet last Wednesday. We’ve already produced two children, so we’ve been living in sin and synergy.”
9. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 19th at Charlotte and qualified for the next round of the Playoffs as the 11th driver in.
“Dover is the next destination on the schedule,” Almirola said. “Hopefully, there will be no mention of the word ‘doval.'”
10. (tie): Chase Elliott: Elliott finished sixth at Charlotte and safely qualified for Round 2 of the Playoffs.
“The action at the ‘roval’ was as wild and crazy as predicted,” Elliott said. “That’s all thanks to Jimmie Johnson. Was J.J. driving a Toyota, because he seemed to be on a ‘Kamikaze mission?'”
10. (tie): Ryan Blaney: Blaney took advantage of Jimmie Johnson’s ill-advised pass attempt to steal the in win at Charlotte from Martin Truex, Jr.
“The door opened,” Blaney said, “and I drove right through it. Which is basically what Johnson did to Truex’s door. Johnson and Truex are legends in this sports. Fortunately for me, the ‘stars’ aligned, then wrecked, which gave me the win.”