Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch passed Ryan Blaney late at Phoenix to win the TicketGuardian 500 to complete the weekend sweep at ISM Raceway.
“Richard Petty’s 200 wins is on my radar,” Busch said. “And I plan on smashing that record and staking my claim as the best NASCAR driver in history. I won’t call myself the ‘King,’ and my name’s not Richard, but people already see me as the biggest ‘Dick’ in NASCAR.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Phoenix and is now second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Kyle Busch is one win away from matching Richard Petty’s 200 wins,” Logano said. “I think this is a great promotional opportunity for Goody’s Powders, because Kyle has traditionally been one of NASCAR’s biggest headaches.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Phoenix as Joe Gibbs Racing took three of the top five spots, with Kyle Busch winning.
“Hats off to Kyle Busch,” Truex said. “He won the Xfinity race on Saturday, and capped the weekend with Sunday’s win, giving him the sweep. It seems like every week Kyle is a threat to pull off the sweep. The last time a broom was this prominent in NASCAR, Teresa Earnhardt was riding it.”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took fifth in the TicketGuardian 500 at Phoenix.
“I score a hole-in-one on the golf course last week,” Hamlin said. “It was on a par 3, and the club I used was a tire iron.”
5. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished ninth at Phoenix and is third is the points standings, nine out of first.
“How about that Daniel Suarez-Michael McDowell altercation on Friday during qualifying?” Harvick said. “Those guys were heated! I guess starting 27th on the grid was a big deal to them.”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh at Phoenix.
“My Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Daniel Suarez took down Michael McDowell with a body slam,” Busch said. “I think McDowell deserved a right hand to the chin. How do I know? Because of all the drivers in NASCAR, I know what a punchable face looks like.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 19th at Phoenix, hampered by an early tire issue that left him unable to contend for the win.
“I blew a tire and slammed the wall during Stage 1,” Keselowski said. “That really caused some issues with the front end. So, for the second time this season, I had a problem with ‘bodily functions.'”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Phoenix, earning his second top 10 of the season.
“NASCAR moved our year-end awards banquet from Las Vegas to Nashville,” Larson said. “That’s surprising, because I’ve always heard you can get more bang for your buck in Las Vegas.”
9. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse finished 13th at Phoenix.
“Hailie Deegan is an up-and-coming 17-year-old female driver,” Stenhouse said. “Her aim is to be better than Danica Patrick. Someone should ask Danica what she thinks about this, but it won’t be me, because I’m afraid to pop the question.”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fourth at Phoenix, the top finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.
“Stewart-Haas is winless so far this year,” Almirola said, “but it’s no time to panic. Maybe a short pep talk would be helpful, like these words from Tony Stewart, NASCAR’s poet laureate, ‘You mo fo’s need to find your mo jo’s.'”