Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 10th at Dover, keeping his top-10 streak, alive, but was nonetheless frustrated with the result.
“I was none too happy with the rules package for this race,” Busch said. “And I went on a profanity-laced rant about it. But give me a week and a win at Kansas and I’ll have nothing but positive things to say. It just goes to show that for Kyle Busch, there’s a fine line between ‘complaint’ and ‘compliant.'”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex led 132 laps and won the Gander RV 400 at Dover, his third career Dover win.
“Dover is one of my favorite tracks,” Truex said, “and Miles is one of my favorite monsters. The Dover trophy is one of the greatest in motorsports. I’m of the belief that any trophy that looks like Bruton Smith is okay in my book.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh at Dover and is now second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“I visited the White House last week in celebration of my 2018 Cup title,” Logano said. “It’s the one time President Trump should have served ‘fast’ food, but didn’t.”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Dover and finished fifth, scoring his third top five of the season.
“NASCAR announced the end of group qualifying at all oval tracks,” Elliott said. “This will take drafting out of qualifying, just in time for summer. In an age in which climate change is a looming issue, NASCAR is doing its part with its ‘Clean Air Initiative.'”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led 58 laps and came home 12th at Dover, one lap off the lead.
“That means I got lapped,” Keselowski said, “which is not at all exciting. Throw an ‘S’ into the mix, and ‘lapped’ becomes ‘slapped,’ and things get way more exciting.”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin struggled at Dover, finishing 21st, three laps down.
“I was not feeling well,” Hamlin said. “I had to be treated by medical staff immediately after the race. I’d suffered a couple days of tummy trouble. Not to be too graphic, but as the driver of the car sponsored by FedEx, my condition sounded a lot like ‘two-day shipping.'”
7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished strong at Dover, racing to a fourth-place finish as the top finisher among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.
“SHR is still looking for that first victory,” Harvick said. “It’s frustrating, but we have to be laser-focused to get that first win. The fellows at Penske and Joe Gibbs have cautioned us not to be too focused, because apparently, we’ve been ‘zeroed in’ for 11 races this season.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 13th at Dover and is eighth in the points standings, 113 out of first.
“Dale Earnhardt Jr. was at the Kentucky Derby as a correspondent for NBC,” Busch said. “He roamed the infield and talked to fans, one of which was a man who identified himself as ‘Horse Power,’ and claimed to be the long lost cousin of Indy Car driver Will Power.”
9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished ninth in the Gander RV 400, posting his sixth top-10 of the year.
“Someday,” Clint Bowyer said, “I’d like to visit the White House as NASCAR champion, like Joey Logano. I heard Joey toured the Lincoln Bedroom. I hear bedrooms in the White House feature less action than NASCAR races.”
10. Daniel Suarez: Suarez finished 11th at Dover.
“Danica Patrick is not expecting a baby,” Suarez said. “She had to clear that up on Instagram after a confusing post. That’s not to say Danica’s never been ‘with child.’ She dated that immature goof Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. for five years.”