Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Despite contact with the wall in Stage 1, Truex recovered and sealed the win at Charlotte with a daring four-wide pass for the lead on the final restart.
“What better advocate for going ‘four-wide’ than Joe Gibbs,” Truex said. “Joe made the ‘four wide receiver’ set commonplace in the NFL of the 1990s.
“I’m just glad my move didn’t cause an accident. The last thing we need is another upset driver punching another. Of course, my teammate is Kyle Busch, so I can definitely understand the desire to punch someone. His brother Kurt may have an even more punchable face. In fact, Kurt’s face has been‘rearranged’ before, when a plastic surgeon downsized his ears.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished third in Charlotte and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by six over Joey Logano.
“This race lasted a grueling five hours,” Busch said. “It’s grueling for drivers, but even more grueling for a crew chief who has to listen to his driver complain for nearly all of those five hours.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano took the runner-up spot in the Coca-Cola 600.
“I got close to Martin Truex Jr. at the end,” Logano said, “but not close enough to give him the old ‘bump and run,’ the ‘run’ of which means I run and hide afterward. But he did a great job defending his position. He had the best car, and I wasn’t going to pass him. And, as they say, ‘there was no way around it.'”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stages 1 and 2 at Charlotte, but blew a tire and slammed the wall with 10 laps to go. He finished 19th, two laps back.
“The No. 2 Miller Lite was dominant in the first two stages,” Keselowski said, “but certainly not in the last stage. But ‘the No. 2’ out of 3 ain’t bad.”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth at Charlotte, recording his fifth top five of the season.
“The Sunday before Memorial Day is the greatest day in motorsports,” Elliott said. “Fans on the East Coast can enjoy breakfast at Monaco, lunch at Indianapolis, and an appetizer, nice dinner, desert, and a bedtime snack at Charlotte.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 10th at Charlotte, and is third in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 50 out of first.
“Congratulations to Tony Stewart on his Hall Of Fame induction,” Harvick said. “Boy, I can’t wait to hear Tony’s induction speech. It will probably be four letters long.”
7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Charlotte.
“I hit the wall in Stage 2,” Hamlin said, “then hit it harder on the race’s final lap. Luckily, cars and drivers are equipped with so many safety devices, you really can’t feel the impact. Someone should remind Clint Bowyer of that.”
8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 24th in the Coca Cola 600.
“You probably saw me punching Ryan Newman after the All-Star race,” Bowyer said. “I didn’t even let Ryan get out of his car! Needless to say, Ryan said he ‘won’t take this sitting down.'”
9. Alex Bowman: Bowman started 13th and finished seventh at Charlotte, and is 10th in the points standings.
“My Hendrick Motorsports teammate William Byron started on the pole,” Bowman said, “becoming the youngest ever on the pole at for the 600. He was ecstatic. He was on ‘Cloud 9.’ Several decades ago, you could have said he was ‘sitting on the top of the World 600.'”
10. Kurt Busch: Busch struggled at Charlotte, finishing 27th, four laps down.
“Charlotte Flair drove the pace car for the race,” Busch said. “As you probably know, Charlotte Flair is the daughter of wrestling legend Ric Flair. Incidentally, ‘Charlotte Flair’ is also the name of the downtown Charlotte club where you’re most likely to find Michael Waltrip.”