"Normally, my temperament is just as consistent as my driving," says Burton. "But this McDowell kid's driving really trips my trigger. And, as you know, when Jeff Burton gets angry, there's bound to be a G-rated diatribe, laced with nine and ten-letter words to follow. But you just never know what to expect when you're behind a Michael Waltrip Racing car. It's a given that it's probably got a stolen sway bar, or rocket fuel, or some unwanted NAPA Racing hats, and/or a sorry driver, on board. And it becomes a real problem when there's a rookie driver on board."

2. Jeff Gordon: Starting from the pole, his second of the year, Gordon recovered from a early-race accident that dropped him to 33rd and worked his way back to the front on lap 270. He led 90 laps on the day, but his bid for victory was foiled by Denny Hamlin's late fuel-only pit stop, and Gordon was unable to chase down Hamlin despite fresher tires.

"We just got outsmarted by the #11 team," says Gordon. "One or two more laps, and that trophy would have been ours. Actually, the trophy is ours, because we "accidentally" picked it up after the race. Anyway, the wins will come. We're just happy to be running up front and collecting Bud Pole awards. And speaking of 'Bud Pole,' he's the star of NASCAR's foray into the adult movie industry, and can be seen in his current features ‘Manual Intake,’ 'Three Wide On The Frontstretch,' and 'Green, White, Peckered.'"

3. Kyle Busch: Busch’s lead in the Sprint Cup standings vanished into the cool, wet air hovering above Martinsville Speedway, as handling trouble and a broken rear end gear left him 57 laps down with a finish of 38th. In Saturday's Craftsman truck race, Busch, running third, spun himself and second-place Johnny Benson with an ill-advised pass attempt on the final lap, a move which left Benson's pit crew on the warpath.

“Those guys are wasting their time,” says Busch. “If they’d have done their homework, they’d realize that it only takes one of them to kick a Busch boy's butt. One punch usually does it. What can I say? I'm a loose cannon. I'm trying to live up to this 'wild child' reputation I've created in the last 18 months. And, if I make that pass, it would have gone down in history as the greatest pass for second place of all time."

“But really, is this the best we have to offer as far as controversy goes? For once, I think Formula 1 has the upper hand. Max Mosly, president of F1’s governing body, the International Automobile Federation, can allegedly be seen on video with five prostitutes participating in a sadomasochistic orgy that included Nazi role-playing. I can’t speak for everyone, but I love ‘Sadomasochistic Orgy.’ They’re my favorite band. I think the whole incident qualifies Mosley for a ‘pervert’s provisional’ to govern the state of New York. Rumor has it that Mosley paid $1,000 for a golden shower, which I think is called a ‘Grand Pix’ in the business."

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt led a race-high 146 laps, but, once again, did not have the car to finish on top. Earnhardt has now gone 68 points races without a win, but moves up one spot in the points to fourth, where he is only 69 out of the lead.

“Racing Sunday at Martinsville reminded me of my days at DEI," says Earnhardt. "The weather was cold and miserable, just like Teresa Earnhardt. But the weather changes. As for the finish, I guess you could say I ‘used up my equipment,' which is very painful. Luckily, it can be replaced, and sometimes even enhanced."

"I do think the lines of communication with my crew chief, Tony Eury, were much more clearer than they have been. We replaced the two tin cans and string with actual radios. In the previous five races, it seemed that Tony and I were never on the same page as far as decisions go. It was often a case of 'I say 'tomato,' you say 'pit for four tires.''"

5. Tony Stewart: Stewart recovered from an an off-sequence pit gamble that backfired, costing him eleven spots on the track, to finish fifth on Martinsville’s compact paper-clip-shaped track as teammate Denny Hamlin won. Stewart gained one spot in the point standings to sixth.

"Martinsville will always have a place in my heart," says Stewart. "Not only because it's the shortest track on the circuit, but because its .526 mile distance is closest to my waist size. A few more pounds, and you can safely classify me as 'oval.' I don’t want anyone to dare think they can take me ‘lightly.’ Anyway, congratulations to Denny. I'm happy for him. And, I'm happy for me. Now, I don't have to listen to his whining, because when he's not winning, he’s a real pain to be around. And I should know, because I'm a joy to be around all the time."

6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick battled a tough-handling car all day, but scrapped his way to a hard-fought finish of 12th, which improved his position in the point standings one place to second. He is 39 points behind Richard Childress teammate Jeff Burton. Harvick is one of only two drivers to have finished every race on the lead lap.

"In a situation like that,” says Harvick, “with damp conditions and an ill-handling car, it’s best to channel Jim Morrison of The Doors and ‘keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.’ Although it’s wise to refrain from heroin usage and exposing yourself on a Dade County, Florida concert stage. All in due time, though. Those acts are on my ‘bucket list.’”

“Anyway, we may not have won the race, but I am leading The Washington Post’s Celebrity NCAA Tournament Picks Contest. You know, it takes a certain amount of talent to pick winners in the men’s bracket. The women’s bracket? That’s another story. All you have to do is pick the teams whose coaches most resemble men. Or, pick the teams with the most nappy headed ho’s. Incidentally, Don Imus is leading that contest.”

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson failed in his bid to win at Martinsville for the fourth-straight time, but did help lead a Hendrick Motorsports resurgence that temporarily quelled the talk of a demise of the team that won so frequently last year. Johnson finished third, as all four Hendrick drivers finished in the top 7, and three of those drivers led 371 of 500 laps.

“There’s a fourth Hendrick driver?” says Johnson. “You’re kidding me. I guess now you’re gonna tell me that Ringo Starr was a Beatle. Or that Paul McCartney's gold-digging former wife, Heather Mills, has four limbs. Whatever. Seriously, though, aren’t we making way too much of this Roush sway bar deal? Frankly, I’m offended---offended that Jack Roush didn’t make the logical assumption and accuse Chad Knaus of stealing the part from the Roush garage. With all the suspensions and missing car parts, Chad's feeling a little worried that he's lost his touch. I told him what everyone in the garage is saying: 'If you've lost something, check the Michael Waltrip Racing garage.'"

8. Greg Biffle: After an engine change, Biffle was relegated to the back of the field and spent the majority of the afternoon trying to remain on the lead lap. He was able to salvage a 20th, which only cost him one place in the point standings, where he is in third.

“Hey. What do you call Jack Roush's favorite watering hole?" says Biffle. "The 'Sway Bar.' Jack didn't find that so humorous, nor did he find it funny when I accused Michael Waltrip of stealing my granola bar. Hopefully, my attempts at comedy won't cost me a contract renewal."

9. Denny Hamlin: Virginia native Hamlin won for the first time in Martinsville, using a bold fuel-only pit stop that enabled him to hold off the hard-charging #24 of Jeff Gordon at the finish. The win eased the frustration for the extremely competitive Hamlin, who was denied two possible wins at Atlanta and Bristol because of mechanical problems.

"All too often," says Hamlin, "drivers feel they absolutely have to mention their sponsors after wins. Well, I'm here to put a stop top that. My win had nothing to do with sponsorship. My crew chief and pit crew deserve all the credit. They were Fed Ex-cellent, and I'm Fed Ex-cited to Fed Ex-press my sincere gratitude to those guys. This win puts a Fed Ex-clamation point on the season so far, and I can Fed Ex-hale a sigh of relief that we've got a win under our belt. Juan Montoya says he's no corporate puppet, but I don't buy it. I prove that I call the shots, not those corporate shills at Fed Ex.”

10. Carl Edwards: Despite crossing the finish line with an empty fuel tank, Edwards scored a career-best finish at Martinsville, a ninth. That improved his points position to 14th, where he is 229 out of first.