"I'd like to thank my sponsor, Combos," says Busch, "another product made by the huge conglomerate of Mars, Inc., also the makers of M&M's, Snickers, and other foods contributing to this obesity of this nation. Ten wins---that's just goes to show that I can win anytime, anywhere, regardless of who I'm racing, and regardless of whatever silly looking racing suit I'm wearing."

"Now, I understand some unscrupulous fan sneaked into the racetrack early Sunday with the intention of stealing my helmet. Luckily, a wary security guard foiled the plot. At first, I was quite impressed that one of my fans would go to such lengths for a souvenir. Then, I was informed of the complete, evil intentions of the fiendish plot: it was not one of my fans; it was a Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan. The plan was generally the same--to steal my helmet, only with my head still in it."

2. Carl Edwards: Edwards took charge at the midway point in Dover, leading laps 171 through 232, but was no match for Kyle Busch in crunch time. Despite having what seemed to be the best car, the #99 team faltered in the pits, losing five seconds to Busch over the final two pit stops. With Busch in clean air, Edwards was unable to remotely threaten the #18 car down the stretch.

"I hate to throw my pit crew under the bus," says Edwards. "Just as much as I hate to speak literally. But we gave away way too much time to Busch in the pits, and five seconds is too much for even me to make up, with or without an oil lid cover."

3. Jeff Burton: Just like clockwork, Burton put his Richard Childress Chevy in the top 10 at Dover, finishing a smooth eighth and avoiding the carnage that afflicted teammates Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick, who were sucked into the lap 17 accident. He maintained the #2 spot in the points, and is now 142 behind Kyle Busch.

"Tough break for Kevin and Clint," says Burton. "They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But it sure was cool to see Richard Childress working on Harvick's car. Richard hasn't got his hands that dirty since his last bribe. Harvick's car didn't look anything like a 2008 model when he returned to the track. It looked like something out of the 1950’s. I could have sworn he was running moonshine. And Junior Johnson looked thirsty."

"But I'm sure Formula 1 driver David Couthard, a guest of Red Bull racing, felt right at home watching the race. Just like in Formula 1, there was a spectacular crash, virtually no on-the-track passing, and a high-ranking official was filmed participating in a Nazi-themed, sado-masochistic sex orgy. Okay, maybe that last one wasn't true, but it would have made the race imminently more enjoyable. That race was just boring. On the bright side, though, it’s nice to hear chants of ‘Boring. Boring’ and realize they’re referring to something besides me."

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt was one of many victims of a lap 17 crash initiated when David Gilliland tapped Elliot Sadler, sending Sadler sliding down the track and into the path of several cars, one of which was Earnhardt's. The #88 suffered front and rear-end damage, and Earnhardt eventually finished 35th, although he held on to third in the points.

"Hey, it’s not the first time I’ve had a bad experience on the ‘Monster Mile,’" says Earnhardt. "That’s also the name of the one-mile driveway leading to my stepmother Theresa's mansion. The surface was abrasive, and a bitch to navigate."

"As far as our finish at Dover goes, we can’t dwell on it. You can moan about it, or toss blame. You can even have some of your pit crew brawl with another pit crew. In the end, though, where does it get you? Nowhere. The wins will come. For now, I'll just have to deal with that monkey on my back, which shouldn't be a problem since I've been known to easily tote camels through the desert."

5. Jeff Gordon: Gordon recorded his fourth consecutive top-10 with a fifth in the Best Buy 400, a solid result, but one not without some concern, as he finished nearly a lap behind race winner Kyle Busch. He jumped four spots in the points to sixth, 404 out of first. Gordon also inked a two-year extension with primary sponsor DuPont, and also spent a day at the firm's headquarters in Dover.

"The company of DuPont shares a lot of operational qualities with the Hendrick Motorsports organization," says Gordon. "In fact, if I'm not mistaken, DuPont just allowed one of their top scientists to leave and go to a rival corporation, where that scientist has flourished."

"But let’s not hand the Sprint Cup trophy to Kyle Busch just yet. Sure, he’s well ahead of everyone in the points. Trust me. I know what it’s like to build a huge points lead only to have it ripped right out from under you by the Chase For The Cup points format. Jimmie Johnson’s got no problem with that, though."

6. Greg Biffle: Biffle sported the best car early, leading 164 of the first 170 laps after starting from the pole. But an alternator problem emerged soon after, and the resultant electrical problems sapped some of the #16 Roush Fenway Ford’s strength. Biffle still managed to finish third, his second consecutive top 5, and leapfrogged from 11th to 5th in the points.

"Carl Edwards thinks he’s got problems with his pit crew?" says Biffle. "Well, when my crew chief Greg Erwin asked me what was wrong, I calmly replied ‘It’s electric.’ Imagine my surprise when the next words out of his mouth were ‘Boogie woogie woogie.’ Multiply that level of surprise by ten, and you’ll understand my reaction when I pulled into the pits for service, only to find my crew engaged in the ‘Electric Slide.’ I’ll give them this: they were in perfect unison."

"And unison is what this Roush Fenway organization will need to combat the mercurial Kyle Busch. My teammates and I will have to strike with a three-pronged attack, three-and-a-half-pronged if you’re counting Jamie McMurray. I fully intend to extend my contract with Roush Fenway. I don't want to break up this happy family comprised of four drivers who really have very little like for one another."

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame a pit road speeding penalty following a stop on lap 153 to score a seventh at Dover, giving him his fifth top-10 finish this year. He now stands a comfortable seventh in the points, 406 behind Kyle Busch and 120 ahead of Kasey Kahne in twelfth.

"We're happy with the top 10," says Johnson, "but we know we've got a lot of work to do before we're able to challenge for wins. What we have to do is find a way to win. And, when I say ‘find,’ I’m challenging Chad Knaus to reach into his bag of tricks for the answer. When Chad waves his magic wand, and says the magic words, the car gets faster. Of course, Chad's magic words aren't 'Abracadabra' or 'Presto.' Instead, his trusty magic words are 'Do it, but don't say I told you to.' Works every time. That is, unless those NASCAR officials ruin the magic show. They're no slouches in the realm of magic themselves. They can simply say 'failed inspection,' and Chad disappears for six races."

8. Tony Stewart: Stewart was unlucky enough to be the first car at the scene of the Elliott Sadler-David Gilliland incident that affected nearly half of the top 12 drivers in the Chase hunt. With nowhere to go, Stewart plugged Sadler’s car, causing serious damage to the #20 Home Depot machine. Stewart made it to the garage and returned much later, completing 199 laps. He finished 41st and fell three places in the points to 11th.

"That's right," says Stewart. "I'm usually the first car on the scene of an accident. And Elliott Sadler's always there waiting on me. I’ll give him props for his promptness. Don’t bother with an apology, Elliott. Not that I don’t deserve one. I just don’t want to hear that grating, southern Virginia accent you speak with. Anyway, people should be happy with the way I'm handling myself in tough times. The 'old' Tony Stewart probably would have punched Sadler. Of course, the 'old' Tony Stewart likely would have then got his butt kicked. That Sadler is a big country boy."

9. Denny Hamlin: Like his teammate Stewart, Hamlin plowed into Sadler in the lap 17 pile-up, knocking the #11 Fed Ex Toyota out of the race for good. Hamlin finished last, and tumbled five spots in the point standings to ninth, 420 out of first.

"Contrary to popular belief," says Hamlin, "my car does have brakes and they do work. I hope my wrecked car doesn’t reflect badly on the delivery qualities of the Fed Ex fleet. Fed Ex drivers are trained to go around accidents, not through them."

"Luckily, the smell of crumpled sheet metal and flat-spotted tires in the Gibbs garage was offset by the smell of teen spirit, that of Joey Logano, the fresh-faced prodigy who is sure to put the future of Joe Gibbs Racing in a state of nirvana. Well, Joey, now is your time. Here we are now. Entertain us."