“But let’s give Big Brown some credit. There’s no shame in only winning two legs of the Triple Crown. He just didn’t have it in the Belmont. Just because somebody’s beating you with a riding crop and yelling ‘Go!’ doesn’t mean you always ‘go.’ At least it doesn’t work that way at Hendrick Motorsports, or I would have been out of there long ago.”

2. Jeff Burton: Burton’s fifth-place finish, coupled with Kyle Busch’s numerous troubles, allowed the Richard Childress driver to take a huge bite out of Busch’s points lead. Burton entered Pocono trailing by 142; he leaves with a deficit of only 21. Burton, along with Kyle Busch, Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and Carl Edwards, leads all drivers with ten top-10 finishes. Not surprisingly, those four drivers occupy positions 1-4 in the points.

"I doubt Busch will ever again run three races in three states in three days," says Burton. "The only threesome a Busch brother has ever completed is Kurt getting smacked by three different drivers at three different tracks. Anyway, Kyle likes that fast-paced lifestyle. I prefer to slow down and savor the moment. I'm not 'rowdy,' I'm 'regular.' He’s a ‘punk;’ I show ‘spunk.’ He’s into 'Girls Gone Wild' videos; I prefer the 'Girls Gone Mild' series, in which middle-aged women in various stages of dress perform routine household chores, with not even the slightest lesbian implications."

3. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt survived a grueling Pocono 500, as air temperatures in the 90’s left the Hendrick Motorsports driver drained and exhausted, yet satisfied with a fourth-place finish. It was Earnhardt's tenth top 10 of the year, and he maintained third in the Sprint Cup point standings, where he is 145 out of first.

"The heat was nearly unbearable," says Earnhardt. "But you can't prosper in this sport without expecting to sweat a little. And, you can prosper even more in this sport when you take that perspiration, bottle it, have it blessed, and sell it to your fans as 'Hol-'E' water. It's great for baptisms, exorcisms, mixers, and burning the skin of Kyle Busch fans. Even Bruton Smith’s purchasing power doesn’t rival that of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fans."

"And, speaking of new marketing schemes, how about 'Steak-Umm' sponsoring my former ride, the #8 Dale Earnhardt, Inc. Chevrolet, driven by Mark Martin? You know, one year, Mark's in the 'Viagra' car. Then, he's in the 'Steak-Umm' car. Apparently, if your car is sponsored by a meat substitute, then Mark's your driver. If 'Spam' wants to team up with Amp energy drink, then we'd gladly field the 'SpAmp' car."

4. Carl Edwards: Once again, Edwards’ attempt at victory was plagued by errors in the pits. During the final caution, the valve stem was pulled from the rim of the left rear tire, which almost immediately went flat. Edwards returned to the pits to remedy the situation, which dropped him to 33rd. He heroically made 24 passes in the final laps to finish ninth, and held on to fourth in the points.

"I guess my crew puts the 'stop' in 'pit stop,'" says Edwards. "We've given away more positions than the Kama Sutra. We’ve lost more points in the pits than we have in the inspection line. Frankly, it makes me very upset. But I’m trying to work on my anger issues. I’ve come to realize that physical intimidation is a brutish and uncivilized way to handle problems. That's why, in dealing with my pit crew, I'm turning over a new leaf, and resorting to making my points in a more civil manner, with just verbal intimidation."

5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin was the lone bright spot for Joe Gibbs Racing, finishing third as teammates Kyle Busch and Tony Stewart faltered at Pocono's 2.5 mile tri-oval. Hamlin led 17 laps on the day, and advanced four places in the points to fifth, where he trails leader Kyle Busch by 284 points.

"Momentum is like the NASCAR rule book; it changes quickly in this sport," says Hamlin. "Before Pocono, Kyle was the hottest driver. After Pocono, Kasey Kahne looks like the hottest driver, although Juan Montoya has the hottest car. That fiery Colombian really had a scary wreck with Clint Bowyer’s Jack Daniels Chevrolet. Kudos to the emergency crew who got extinguishers on that fire immediately. I'm sure that's not the first time a white powdery substance has been found in a Colombian's car. Usually, 'Jack' and 'Coke' mix much better."

“And speaking of ‘hot cars,’ I think Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant said in best when he sang, ‘You need coolin,’ baby I’m not foolin’ in ‘Whole Lotta Love.’ Obviously, he was referring to these four-wheeled saunas we call cars. There’s more hot air in those things than a Waltrip family reunion. You could fry an egg in those things. And if you did happen to fry an egg in your car during a race, that might arouse NASCAR's suspicion, and they might be compelled to say to you, 'Hey, that looks like your brain on drugs. And lay off the heroin.' Still, I don't think that hypothetical episode would meet NASCAR's requirements for reasonable suspicion for a drug test."

6. Kasey Kahne: Kahne started on the pole and boasted the fastest car all day, slowed only by a miscue in the pits on lap 58 that dropped him to 38th. Kahne easily made his way through the field, passed Brian Vickers on lap 185, and led the final 15 laps. The victory gave Kahne two wins in the last three points races, and moved him within the top 12 in the points to ninth.

“I think we’ve really turned a corner,” says Kahne. “The car was just awesome. Even when I fell behind, I knew I could come back. All I had to do was hit my marks, which was more difficult than it sounds, especially with all those ‘Not For Sale’ signs at the track. I don't blame the Mattioli family. I wouldn't sell the track to Bruton Smith, either. In fact, the Mattioli's have stated publicly that they won't sell the track to anyone that resembles 'The Thing' of Fantastic Four comic book fame. Bruton is a dead ringer."

"I feel really good about the #9 car now. Suddenly, it's cool to drink Budweiser again, and the prospect of actually winning over some male fans has me really stoked. I'll soon be issuing a public statement through my spokesman, actor and All State Insurance pitchman Dennis Haysbert."

7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson pitted on lap 168, gambling that the race would remain under green, which meant necessary pit stops for several cars in front of him. Unfortunately, that plan was rendered irrelevant when Kyle Busch spun with 23 laps remaining, forcing practically everyone to pit. Instead of contending for the win, Johnson settled for sixth, which moved him up one place in the point standings to sixth.

“Of all people, Chad Knaus and I understand the cold, hard facts of gambling," says Johnson. "Whether it's pit strategy, fuel strategy, $100 on the Lakers to cover, or illegally altering a car part, you win some and you lose some. Lately, we've lost more than we've won. In fact, we've lost so much that we even owe Charles Barkley money."

"Seriously, though, Hendrick Motorsports is ready to bust out. Joe Gibbs may have four wins, but we've got three drivers in the Sprint Cup standings. That's more than Gibbs can say. And, Jeff, Dale, and myself are trying our best to encourage Casey mears to step up his game. And, by 'encourage,' I mean we're keeping the 'dead weight' comments to a minimum and referencing Weekend At Bernie's as little as possible."

8. Jeff Gordon: Much like teammate Jimmie Johnson, Gordon’s fortunes were victimized by Kyle Busch’s late spin. Gordon pitted on lap 165, and had the race remained under green, would probably have left with a top-5 finish. Instead, Gordon lost track position due to Busch’s spin, and had to work feverishly in the final laps to salvage his 14th-place finish.

“In hindsight,” says Gordon, “I guess it was pretty optimistic to expect the race to go without a caution for the final 35 laps. Especially with those former open-wheel racers, like Patrick Carpentier, Sam Hornish, and Dario Franchitti, slipping and sliding all over the place. I can’t speak for Carpentier and Hornish, but I myself have no problem driving with photos of Ashley Judd taped to my dashboard.”

9. Tony Stewart: Stewart was on track for a top-10 finish before a pit lane speeding infraction on lap 171 incurred a penalty. Stewart served a drive-through penalty that left him a lap down, dampening his spirits after a promising day that saw him lead 14 laps.

“Normally, I’ve got no problem with ‘drive-through’s,’” says Stewart. “especially if there’s food involved. Those NASCAR officials have no sense of humor, though. They didn’t even smile when I drove through for my penalty and said ‘I’d like that biggie-sized’ while holding a giant, foam middle finger out of the window."

"Take away the penalty, and we had a good day. The car ran well, we led 14 laps, and I made one of the most daring passes of my career when I nervously slipped by Elliott Sadler on lap 109. I was pretty sure one of us was going into the wall. I thought everything was cool until I bumped into Elliott after the race. It was an accident, but Elliott showed me his fist and said, 'I got your "Prelude To A Dream" right here.'"

10. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth scored his fourth consecutive top 10, coming home seventh in the Pocono 500 as the top finisher in the Roush Fenway stable. The driver of the #17 DeWalt Tools Ford is now 15th in the point standings, only 34 out of 12th.

“I’ve quietly put myself back in contention for the Chase,” says Kenseth. “That’s how I roll—quietly. I do everything quietly, even when I utter a blood-curdling scream whenever I feel physically threatened.”