As I sat on my new couch (I found one I liked!) and watched The Most Boring Spectacle On Earth, otherwise known as the Checker/O'Reilly/Corporate Merger Auto Parts 500 at Phoenix Interruptional Raceway, one glaring fact was staring back at me from inside of the Peephole into Paradise that I was gazing not-so-intently at: Why is Dodge even bothering to show up to the races?

The second-place finish of the Miller Lite #2 Dodge, driven by....who cares....wasn't the response of Dodge to improve the performance of the machines racing under their banner, but instead the sleeping giant of Roger Penske finally growing weary of being a 3rd-tier backmarker, and throwing everything they have at the car...and it still wasn't enough. When compared to the Roush Racing and Hendrick Motorsports teams, and their dominating performance here of late, it's easy to overlook the sleepy 600-pound gorilla at the back of the room, which is Roger Penske. Last time I checked, he didn't like losing a bit more than everyone else out there doesn't like losing, and I am utterly shocked that neither the #2 or #12 has dominated a race in quite some time. In addition, I am a bit perplexed that Dodge hasn't stepped in a bit to assist the ailing Mopar contingent, as none of the Dodge-powered vehicles are placing anywhere remotely near the top 43 positions in the finishing order of any of the races during the last year or so...yes, you do have an occasional Chrysler Corporation entry placing in the top ten, and with Kurt Busch and Kasey Kahne winning a race each this year, but for the most part, these were simply unrepeatable flukes, as the rest of the time, the entire Dodge contingent is a series of scenic backmarkers.

Dodge may not be entirely at fault here, as you always have backmarker teams that don't have the funding and depth of engineering talent, along with tuning toys that some of the higher-eschelon teams do (anyone have a spare 7-post shaker rig?), but geeze, you would think that there would be at least one Dodge team or two that would be able to step up a bit....however, they haven't, with the sole exceptions being the #2 Penske Racing and #42 Ganassi Motorsports teams. The Miller Lite #2 Dodge's recent performance improvement can be attributed to the new R6 racing engine, and the #42 Dodge's strong showings (minus the 30 or so times he wrecked in the last 20 races) being attributed to the nut behind the wheel in that car, a nut by the name of Juan Pablo Montoya, as he drives the freaking wheels off of that car every time he shows up on that track.

I hope we get to see Montoya perform someday with a consistently good car under him....because the Dodge isn't cutting it.

Before anyone from the Dodge camp sends NerfBat-wielding circus midgets to my house to kneecap me for thinking I don't like Dodge, keep in mind, I don't like Chevy a lot more than I don't like Mopars. However, I think that Dodge is doing their teams a disservice by not providing better equipment to their teams, or at least work with some of those who simply need a little nudge to get them up to competitive par with some of the other teams out there. One of my favorite eras in NASCAR history is the battle between Dodge and Ford in the mid-to-late 1960's, at a time when Chevy honestly had no business showing up at a NASCAR race, other than to provide Dodge, Plymouth, Ford, and Mercury entries some extra cars to pass on their way through the field, culminating in 1970, when Ford's racing budget was killed off by Henry Ford II's biggest butt-kisser, Lee Iacocca, allowing Dodge and Plymouth to smack Ford and Mercury around like red-headed stepchildren during the 1970 season, and beyond, with Chevy picking up where Ford left off.

At any rate, this discussion is probably going to be null and void by as early as the start of next season, if things don't pick up for American automakers. As I have predicted before, unless a miracle occurs, Cerebrus is going to dump Chrysler to the highest bidder, and when that happens, Chrysler as we know it will cease to exist, at the best, maybe their minivan designs (which aren't that great, anyway, ask me sometime how many Chrysler/Dodge/Plymouth minivan automatic transmissions I have replaced) live on, at the worst, the entire company goes on the auction block, 'Larry the Liquidator' style.

I hope it doesn't happen, but Cerebrus bought a dud of a company that produced mostly dud products, and now, the bottom line is more important than preserving an American automotive icon.....and if we aren't careful, GM may be soon to follow. Seeing how at least one team has now ditched Dodge (Ganassi), it may be that other teams may soon walk in Ganassi's Chevrolet/Shoveitorleaveit footsteps....

Moving on to another dud....

I have NEVER had this much difficulty staying awake during a race. This race at Phoenix? I even took an hour-long-nap through the middle of it, and STILL didn't miss anything. The only thing keeping me awake during the rest of the race was channel-surfing back and forth to Spongebob Squarepants, and thank God for Nickelodeon having a bit of a Spongebob Squarepants marathon today, or I probably would have slept through the entire race.

Is it entirely possible that Phoenix might be the most boring track that NASCAR races at? I'm curious what the reading public thinks, please send me your suggestions as to which location that you think is NASCAR's not-so-finest, and I will post the results. Entries such as 'THE ENTIRE SEASON' will also be acceptable.

I knew that the race this Sunday was going to be a bit of a snoozer, especially after the ominious foreboding I received after watching some guy from the musical (torture) group known as 'Tinderbox' (or something similar) warbled out something vaguely resembling the National Anthem. From my vantage point in the TV viewing audience, while Johnny Can'tsing was screeching out something he OBVIOUSLY practiced for, you could see occasional views from the grandstands of people clutching their ears and their children's ears, with those who failed to get their hands up in time to shield themselves from the verbal onslaught having blood exploding from their eardrums, along with those who dared to look at the Oracular AntiChrist had their eyes burned out just like those German soldiers who refused to close their eyes at the end of the movie 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark'. I screamed at the TV set, warning those who were present to cover their eyes and ears....but none could hear me.

Fortunately, ABC/ESPN/The Mickey Mouse Network quickly put up stock video footage of the grandstands from a previous race, covering up the thousands of spectators writhing in stereophonic agony, as security guards couldn't get close enough to the cochlea-obliterating crooner to clap a hand over his mouth, and were forced to dive to the ground and cover their ears. The NASCAR race teams present simply put their earplugs in as he began to scream, I mean sing, so the casualties in the garage area were limited to NASCAR officials trying to eavesdrop in on conversations, listening for anyone saying anything bad about the COSHAT (Car Of Some Hideous Alternate Tomorrow, for those of you just tuning in).

Don't even get me started on the cautions, which went to 'insane' level in the waning laps of the race. I think most of those late cautions were caused deliberately by drivers who simply wanted to get off of the track as quickly as possible, and back into the race hauler, or onto a plane going home.

If the schedule ever does get to be shortened down a bit, please let Phoenix be among those to get the ax.

Race Notes

1. I've never wanted to boo anyone singing the Star-Spangled Banner, but for the first time in my life, my day would not have been too terribly inconvenienced had a produce truck fallen out of the sky, and landed on the singer from the group 'LitterBox' who was torturing the National Anthem.

2. The Brian Vickers Crash? I wonder at times if I need to apply for one of those announcing booth jobs, because I knew he didn't have a tire blowout, the moment after it happened.

3. CMA awards? Yes, we KNOW it's in three days. We didn't forget the other 321,684,219 times you told us, ABC. The 16-year-olds wearing tawdry outfits, the suggestive poses on stage, blah blah, we get it. Award show on Wednesday, yes, thank you for telling us, but we'd rather be watching the 'Enterprise Rent-A-Car Family Reunion/Romantic Getaway' commercials right now.

4. Let me congratulate Jimmie Johnson, a week early, for winning the 2008 Sprint Cup Championship, your third in a row. I don't know how your team got the COSHAT figured out so well, considering one of your bosses drives the #24, and is mired back in the field just like everyone else...but you deserve kudos for winning a third time. I just hope there's a complete 2009 season for you to compete in next year.

5. Mark Martin. Good luck with Hendrick Motorsports next year. May Rick provide you with equipment better than what Roush had you drive. I don't know if one year will be enough for you to adapt to the new team, AND win a championship....but I wish you good luck, my favorite driver.

NASCAR Jokes

The NASCAR official and I had some words...but I never got to use mine.

A man walks to his car after a long day at the race track, and as he approaches his car, a man armed with a gun jumps out from behind his car, and shouts, "Give me all of your money!" The man throws his hands up, and says, "I'm just a poor COSHAT design engineer!" The robber said, "Man, you're not kidding, I just saw the race!"

There was a NASCAR official who was also a hard-core bowler, and never missed a Thursday night league game. He had an accident one day after work, got amnesia and forgot who he was, disappearing for two years in the process. However, one Thursday night, he walked into his own house, his memory fully restored. His wife was overjoyed, and began calling all of their family members, and friends. "Why are you calling all of these people?", he asked. "We're going to have a homecoming party, now that you are home!!", his wife replied. "I don't think so, not on my bowling night!!!" he objected.

A NASCAR driver is out driving his brand-new Mustang Shelby GT500 somewhere in the country, and for some reason, the car simply dies, and he pulls over next to a barbed-wire fence. He cranks and cranks the engine, but the car won't start. And of course, his cell phone has no service out there, so being frustrated with the car, he gets out, and pops the hood, to see if something might have came loose. He gets the hood up, and starts looking around the engine...and hears someone say, "the engine computer is dead, you better call a tow truck". The driver pops his head up, and looks to see who said that....but nobody is there. The only living thing within a half-mile in either direction, is a horse, which is standing on the other side of the fence of where he's working on the car. This scared him so badly, that he ran away in the other direction, towards a store he passed a mile or so back. He was in great shape, but as he approached the store, he arrived running, and out of breath. Luckily, there was a repair shop next to the store, and a guy was standing outside, looking at a customer car. Scared to death, he told the mechanic what happened, but the mechanic didn't seem too disturbed about what had occurred. He then asked the driver, "And nobody was there except for the horse?" "Yes!", the driver replied, exasperatingly. "Was it a white horse, that looked old enough to look like it should have gone to a glue factory 10 years ago?" "Oh My God! It WAS a white horse!", answered the driver. The mechanic replied, "Nah, just ignore him, he doesn't know a darn thing thing about Fords".