Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch held off Joey Logano on the final restart to win his first Brickyard 400 and third consecutive race. Busch also won Saturday’s XFINITY Series race at Indy.
“The No. 18 Skittles car was top notch,” Busch said. “And now I can tell you this: Bricks taste better than the rainbow.
“Some people have suggested that crashing into the wall at Daytona in February and breaking my left leg and right foot gave me the inspiration for my recent dominant run. I believe that’s entirely true. In fact, there are no bones about it. My injuries gave me a leg up on the competition. And I don’t think I can be stopped. But everyone knows I’m susceptible to mind games. I can’t tell you how many of my rivals have sent me copies of Pink Floyd’s album ‘The Wall.’”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished third in the Brickyard 400, posting his series-best 14th top-10 finish of the season.
“I just couldn’t get a proper push on the restarts,” Harvick said. “Had the situation been reversed and I was the one doing the pushing, you can best believe it would have been a different story. Just ask Brad Keselowski.
“There were three late cautions that extended the duration of the race. I didn’t think the race would ever end, and judging by the NBC Sports Network’s pre-race coverage, I didn’t think it would ever start.”
3. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 15th at Indianapolis on a disappointing day for Hendrick Motorsports. Johnson was the highest HMS finisher, and Jeff Gordon finished 42nd in his last Brickyard 400 after a spin on lap 50 ended his chances at the win.
“Clint Bowyer caused the wreck that took out Gordon,” Johnson said. “Afterwards, Bowyer was seen chasing Jeff through the garage to confront him…with an apology.
“But let’s go easy on the ‘Kyle Busch is championship material’ talk. A Brickyard 400 win is great, but it’s not the end-all. Sure, Crown Royal sponsored the race, so maybe Kyle’s been ‘Royally Crowned,’ but last time I checked, he’s never been officially crowned.”
4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished 22nd at Indianapolis and is now third in the Sprint Cup points standings, 100 behind Kevin Harvick.
“It was just an unlucky day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Earnhardt said. “But congratulations to Kyle Busch. What a drive he had. Now, he’s got four wins in just nine races this season. That’s a handful, which is exactly what Kyle was when Rick Hendrick jettisoned him back in 2007.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano led the first lap at Indianapolis and was battling for the win at the end, but couldn’t catch Kyle Busch in the two-lap sprint to the finish.
“Busch is on a roll,” Logano said, “and his attitude has improved dramatically. I guess marriage and fatherhood have mellowed him. Now, the only time Kyle ‘shows his ass’ is at the finish line.”
6. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished fourth in the Brickyard 400, posting his sixth top-five finish of the year and first in the last five races.
“Passing was at a minimum,” Truex said, “thanks to the higher rear spoiler. The aerodynamics of that made it nearly impossible to pass. That’s called ‘drag,’ and trust me, as a former driver for Michael Waltrip Racing, no one looks good in ‘drag.’”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Indianapolis, joining Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano, who finished second, in the top 10.
“I’m not the biggest Kyle Busch fan,” Keselowski said, “but even I have to commend him for his recent tear. Kyle Busch is an ass…….kicker.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch took eighth at Indianapolis as younger brother Kyle won his first Brickyard 400. Kurt is eighth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 165 out of first.
“My brother Kyle has won three consecutive NASCAR races,” Busch said, “and four of the last five. I’ve won twice. So, between us, Kyle and I have six wins and one stable relationship with a woman.”
9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth finished seventh in the Brickyard 400 on a dominant day for Joe Gibbs Racing. Teammate Kyle Busch won, Denny Hamlin finished fifth, and Carl Edwards started from the pole.
“There were nine cautions in the race,” Kenseth said. “There was even a caution for balloons on the track. They were yellow and inflated, so I’m going to call them ‘Miss Sprint Cups.’”
10. (tie) Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fifth in the Crown Royal 400, and is now 10th in the points standings.
“Kyle Busch is in one of the most dominant stretches NASCAR has seen in years,” Hamlin said. “He’s won at a 1.5-mile track at Kentucky, a one-mile track at New Hampshire, and a 2.5-mile oval at Indianapolis. He’s like Jeremy Mayfield—-he can find speed anywhere.”
10. (tie) Carl Edwards: Edwards started on the pole at Indianapolis and finished 13th.
“That was my second consecutive start from the pole,” Edwards said. “Of course, I didn’t win either race, so you didn’t get to see my celebratory backflip. Who cares, right? Everybody knows Kyle Busch has the best finishing move in NASCAR.”