Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch kept his hot streak alive with a third-place finish at Watkins Glen, and although he didn’t win, he moved into 30th place in the Sprint Cup points standings.
“We played the finish conservatively,” Busch said. “I took an unnecessary chance last week at Pocono, not to mention one in Iredell County, North Carolina back in 2011. I got busted in both instances.
“This time, we played it safe. Sometimes, you’ve gotta think ‘big picture.’ And I’m always thinking ‘big picture,’ because that’s the only one my ego will fit in.”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick ran out of fuel in the final corner at Watkins Glen, handing Joey Logano the win while settling for third.
“Logano overtook a car that was out of fuel,” Harvick said. “That’s called ‘passing gas.’ I tried to wreck Logano as he went by. And, much like my fuel tank, it came up empty.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano passed Kevin Harvick in the final corner after Harvick’s fuel ran out, giving Logano the win in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen.
“I’m just happy to get the win,” Logano said. “Fuel mileage races don’t really tell us who’s best. They do, however, tell us who ‘sucks’ the least.
“I knew I had plenty of fuel to chase Harvick. And I knew if I pressed the issue, I could make him run out. In essence, I put him back in a Richard Childress Racing car, because he slowed to a crawl.”
4. Jimmie Johnson: Despite a late spin caused by Tony Stewart’s blown engine, Johnson salvaged a tenth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 14th top 10 of the year.
“You may have seen me in a commercial for ‘Burnt Rubber,’” Johnson said. “It’s a new fragrance from Sunoco, and it’s left its mark on the cologne industry. Unfortunately, it’s a skid mark. Let’s just be thankful that the latest NASCAR-themed cologne wasn’t called ‘Dick Trickle.’”
5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Earnhardt finished 11th in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, just missing his 14th top-10 finish of the season.
“It was a tough day for a lot of drivers,” Earnhardt said. “Particularly Tony Stewart. He finished last. Plus, he experienced something that often happen to fans of Junior Nation when they break out their finest china for an important meal—he got ‘served with papers.’”
6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex qualified second and suffered a flat tire with 22 laps to go, ruining what would have been a solid day and settling for a 25th-place finish.
“Some drivers ran out of gas,” Truex said, “while some, like me, ran out of air. Others ran out of talent. Still others had no talent to begin with. The remainder drive for Michael Waltrip Racing.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished seventh as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win at Watkins Glen.
“Joey had luck on his side,” Keselowski said. “My No. 2 Ford did not. Maybe, instead of having ‘Miller Lite’ plastered on the side of my car, we should have had ‘Miller Fortune’ there.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch claimed fifth in the Cheez-It 355 At The Glen, posting his seventh top-5 finish of the year.
“Kevin Harvick clearly had the fastest car on the track,” Busch said. “Then he ran out of fuel. He was more than ‘good,’ he was best….till the last drop.”
9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth led two laps and finished fourth at Watkins Glen, one of three Joe Gibbs Racing cars in the top 10.
“That’s two consecutive fuel mileage races,” Kenseth said. “I won at Pocono, and was pretty close to winning at Watkins Glen. That really would have established me as a driver who knows how to make a drop of fuel last. I guess I would have been known as the ‘Wizard Of Oz.’”
10. Carl Edwards: Edwards finished eighth at Watkins Glen, posting his sixth top 10 of the season.
“Did you see Denny Hamlin speeding around the track with his hood up on the No. 11 FedEx Toyota?” Edwards said. “That performance earned Denny the nickname ‘Little Fed Riding Hood.’”