Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Larson: Larson finished second at Texas, his fourth runner-up of the season, and remains the Monster Energy Cup points leader.
“Given a few more laps,” Larson said, “I think I could have caught Jimmie Johnson for the win. Given a few more lifetimes, I think I could have caught him in the number of Cup championships won.”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished eighth at Texas, posting his fourth top 10 of the year.
“We definitely had the car to better that eighth-place finish,” Truex said, “so I’m disappointed. If I had it to do over, I think we could have pulled out the win. So, talk about ‘resurfacing’ all you like; it’s the thought of ‘re-finishing‘ that intrigues me.”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott posted his fifth top-10 finish of the year with a ninth at Texas, and remained second in the points standings, 17 behind Kyle Larson,
“Winds were gusting up to 25 miles per hour,” Elliott said, “which means they were faster than Jeffrey Earnhardt.”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 400 at Texas, recording his sixth top-10 result of the year.
“Only at Texas does the winner get to put on a cowboy hat and fire a set of replica six-shooters,” Keselowski said. “Jimmie Johnson had that honor on Sunday. It’s certainly not the first time for JJ; he’s won seven times at Texas. And, judging by Jimmie’s dehydration issue after the race, I’m guessing he went to the bathroom and shot even more blanks.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano led late at Texas but couldn’t hold off a charging Jimmie Johnson, who took the lead with 16 laps to go. Logano finished second and is fifth in the points standings, 72 out of first.
“Much like a Kyle Busch punch,” Logano said, “Jimmie went by me like I wasn’t even there.”
6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won the first and second stage in the O[Reilly Auto Parts 400, but faded to a 12th place finish.
“My last pit stop cost me,” Blaney said. “I overshot my pit stall and that blew my chance of winning. Obviously, my crew assumes I’ll hit my marks perfectly when I pit. I didn’t, and that’s been the story of my year because I’ve been ‘exceeding expectations’ all season.”
7. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole at Texas and finished fourth, posting his first top five of the season.
“I’ve never won at Texas,” Harvick said. “I seem to be cursed at that track. Heck, as one of NASCAR’s least-liked drivers, I believed I’m ‘cursed’ at every track.”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch came home with a disappointing 15th at Texas, ending a streak of three consecutive top-10 finishes.
“Ozzy Osbourne visited my pit box during the race,” Busch said. “If Ozzy is the ‘Prince Of Darkness,’ my complexion says I’m the ‘Prince Of Lightness.'”
9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson started from the very rear at Texas and passed Joey Logano with 17 laps to go, then cruised to his first win of the season.
“After a slow start to our season,” Johnson said, “it’s great to finally get a win. But I’m not satisfied. I’m hungry for more, but not as thirsty as I was for fluids after the race. My car’s fluid delivery system malfunctioned, so I needed three bags of intravenous fluids. It’s certainly not the first case of a ‘three-bagger’ making an appearance in a NASCAR infield.”
10. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished seventh at Texas, joining Chip Ganassi Racing teammate Kyle Larson in the top 10.
“The Texas Motor Speedway track was recently repaved,” McMurray said. “So, race-winner Jimmie Johnson picked the perfect time to ‘resurface.'”