Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex held off Matt Kenseth to win the I Love New York 355 At The Glen, earning his fourth win of the season. Truex leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by 16 over Kyle Busch.
“We were able to conserve enough fuel to pull out the win,” Truex said. “In doing so, we had to let some cars pass us for the lead. That wasn’t easy. It’s hard for someone payed to go fast to let up off the gas pedal for any reason. But it’s also just another example of how I win with ‘ease.'”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Watkins Glen, his third straight pole, and finished a disappointing seventh.
“I was basically ran off the track by Brad Keselowski at the Bus Stop chicane on lap 45,” Busch said. “It was clearly Brad’s fault and I was furious. Chalk it up to another chapter in the Busch-Keselowski rivalry. With so many chapters, there should be a book. And that makes sense, because as today’s NASCAR feuds go, it’s all words and no action.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 17th in the I Love New York 355.
“I was involved in a pit road wreck with Brett Moffitt,” Harvick said. “I’m not sure what Brett Moffitt was doing on pit road, much less on pit road in a race car.”
4. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 23rd at Watkins Glen and has finished 23rd or worse in his last three races.
“I was docked 30 minutes of practice at Watkins Glen for doing a burnout after a lug nut inspection at Pocono,” Larson said. “That was just me venting my frustration at being subjected to another inspection. I find inspections ‘de-grading,’ especially since I don’t pass them.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished fourth at Watkins Glen despite having to go to the rear at the start due to a brake issue that arose during qualifying.
“I guess we pulled one out of my backside,” Hamlin said. “And on a similar note, doctors will soon pull one out of my wife’s front side.”
6. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 29th at Watkins Glen.
“Kasey Kahne won’t return to Hendrick Motorsports in 2018,” Johnson said. “That’s kind of surprising coming after his win at Indianapolis, which many thought would be a vital bargaining chip for an extension. Unfortunately, it seems in contract negotiations, Mighty Kasey struck out.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led with three laps to go at Watkins Glen and finished 15th as Martin Truex, Jr. took the win.
“If my fuel gauge could speak,” Keselowski said, “it would have said ‘E.’ Since I can speak, I said ‘F.’ In addition, I had a run-in with Kyle Busch halfway through the race. As you would expect, Kyle’s going to give me ‘H.'”
8. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 14th at Watkins Glen.
“Kyle Busch and Brad Keselowski are at it again,” McMurray said. “They had another incident on the track, and now everybody’s wondering if retaliation is in the future. This thing could come to a head soon. Usually, when something ‘comes to a head’ and a Busch brother is involved, the thing ‘coming to a head’ is someone’s fist to Kurt’s.”
9. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth took the runner-up spot at Watkins Glen to Martin Truex, Jr. as Toyota’s capture the top 4 spots. Kenseth currently holds the final Chase For The Cup playoff spot over Clint Bowyer.
“Joe Gibbs Racing put four cars in the top 7,” Kenseth said. “That says a lot about Japanese automakers. They’ve been telling us they can make the quickest cars. When people say the Japanese talk fast, they’re not kidding.”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer came home fifth at Watkins Glen to keep his chances for making the Chase For The Cup alive. He faces a 28-point deficit to Matt Kenseth for the current final playoff spot.
“I have plenty of time,” Bowyer said. “As the saying goes, ‘It ain’t over until the hefty Dale Earnhardt, Jr. fan in the tube top and Daisy Dukes standing atop the Port-A-Potty in the infield sings.'”