Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 21st at Bristol, his first finish outside the top six since a 33rd at Indianapolis.
“What a run by my Furniture Row Racing teammate Erik Jones,” Truex said. “He almost won the race. Now, there were a lot of drivers pulling for Erik not to win the race. We call them ‘losers,’ or, in the case of Joey Logano, ‘encumbered losers.'”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch won the Bass Pro Shops NRA Night Race on Saturday night to complete the Bristol sweep after winning the Camping World Truck race on Wednesday and the XFINITY Series race on Friday.
“I celebrated with a broom atop my car,” Busch said. “That cleaning implement comes in handy when you win all three races at a track, but the broom is especially handy when you need to sweep my bratty behavior under the rug.”
3. Kyle Larson: Larson led 70 laps and finished ninth at Bristol.
“Kyle Busch was pretty much unstoppable,” Larson said. “You could say he was on a mission. On the contrary, when Kyle acts up and his sponsor threatens to pull their support, Kyle handles that by going on a ‘mission to Mars.'”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth in the Food City 500
“Kyle Busch swept all three NASCAR series races at Bristol,” Harvick said. “That means you heard his name mentioned continuously throughout our time here in Bristol. It probably sounded like this: ‘Buschhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.’ Consider that my least favorite sponsor promo.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished third at Bristol, posting his ninth top-five of the season.
“Kyle Busch just dominated the week at Bristol,” Hamlin said. “But the fans at Bristol weren’t too receptive of his success. Some of the fans were even booing him. That’s shocking, because I know Kyle, and all of those fans should be booing.”
6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth battled for the win at Bristol before eventually finishing fourth.
“Luckily for me,” Kenseth said, “Erik Jones didn’t win the race. You know, Erik is taking over the No. 20 car next year. Frankly, I’m stunned. But it could be worse. When someone tells you you’re being replaced by a 21-year-old, I’d much rather it be a car owner than a wife.”
7. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 11th at Bristol and is now 11th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Luckily,” Johnson said, “my three wins guarantee me a spot in the Chase For The Cup. That makes me a lock for the Chase. My seven championships make me a virtual lock for the Cup title. And all my opponents know that me winning is a virtual reality.”
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 29th at Bristol.
“I’m shutting down my Camping World trucks team after this season,” Keselowski said. “Kyle Busch can have his broom; I have an axe.”
9. Jamie McMurray: McMurray finished 12th at Bristol.
“I’m currently holding on to the 16th and final playoff spot,” McMurray said. “Ideally, I’d want my standing to be a little more secure. But I guess I can’t complain. McDonald’s may be loving it; I’m just liking it.”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 19th at Bristol and sits 10th in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“I thought it was cool that the Bristol fans spelled out ‘Thank You Dale Jr’ with cards before the race,” Bowyer said. “It’s clear evidence that NASCAR fans can spell.”