Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch started on the pole at Charlotte and led 377 of 400 laps on his way to the win in the Coca-Cola 600. With the victory, Busch became the first driver to win a points race at every track on the NASCAR schedule.
“We haven’t seen this level of domination in this sport,” Busch said, “since Kevin Harvick’s last win.”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick smashed the wall on lap 83 at Charlotte and finished 40th.
“Walls are unforgiving,” Harvick said, “and so is the inspection line. I failed pre-qualifying inspection three times. But that’s okay. We’ll be fine. You know, there’s a saying in NASCAR that I like to live by: ‘Fail inspection, live to cheat another day.'”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished second at Charlotte, posting his eighth top five of the year.
“I visited the White House last week to celebrate my 2017 championship,” Truex said. “President Donald Trump was so impressed by my accomplishments, he offered me a cabinet position as Secretary of Transportation. I was grateful for the offer, but I had to turn it down because I think I’m overqualified.”
4. Joey Logano: Logano started second and finished 22nd at Charlotte. He is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 67 behind Kyle Busch.
“Kyle was out of this world,” Logano said. “He led a whopping 377 of 400 laps. It’s probably the only example of great leadership Kyle’s displayed in his career.”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led two laps and finished fourth in the Coca-Cola 600.
“The way it looks now,” Keselowski said, “the battle for the Monster Energy Cup championship will be a two-man battle between Kyle Busch and Kevin Harvick. Personally, I’m not ready to concede that. In the words of the great Tom Richmond, ‘I’d like to make it a threesome.'”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished eighth at Charlotte and posted the best finish among Stewart-Haas Racing drivers.
“Tony Stewart was spotted at the Monaco Grand Prix,” Busch said. “Everybody knows Tony can be very ornery on occasion. I imagine if he would have driven in Formula 1, he would have been known as the ‘Grand Prick’ of Grand Prix racing.”
7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin came home third at Charlotte as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Kyle Busch claimed a dominant victory.
“On the greatest day of racing of the year,” Hamlin said, “Kyle was incredible. Australians Daniel Ricciardo and Will Power won at Monaco and Indianapolis, while Kyle put 39 other drivers ‘down under’ his name in the race results.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson survived a Stage 3 spin and drove to a seventh-place finish at Charlotte.
“Kyle Busch totally dominated that race,” Larson said. “He led almost every lap. Heck, instead of the ‘Coca-Cola 600,’ they could have named in the ‘Kyle Busch 600.’ Or better yet, the ‘Monotony 600.'”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney’s engine blew with 22 laps to go in Stage 3, sending his No. 12 car ablaze. He finished 36th.
“I wasn’t the only driver ‘on fire’ at Charlotte,” Blaney said. “Kyle Busch dominated qualifying and the race. Funny thing is, the only ones that got burned were fans who came to see an exciting race.”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Charlotte and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“As you know,” Bowyer said, “Tony Stewart was in Monaco for the Formula 1 race. There was a time when Tony entertained the idea of racing in Formula 1, but he quickly decided against when he got stuck in the cockpit.”