Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Michigan as the lone Toyota among seven Fords in the top 8.
“What do you call one Toyota amongst so many Fords?” Busch said. “‘Asian Fusion.'”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished second to Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Clint Bowyer in the rain-delayed and rain-shortened Firekeepers Casino 400 at Michigan.
“If I’m going to lose to anyone,” Harvick said, “I’m happy it’s Clint. But let’s be serious, he was very fortunate, opting for a two-tire pit stop and then having the rain come at a perfect time. So I have to ask him this: ‘Did you just punk me, lucky Clint?'”
3. Joey Logano: Logano finished seventh in the Firekeepers Casino 400, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.
“Firekeepers Casino is a great destination for betting,” Logano said. “You could play it safe and put money on Kevin Harvick or Kyle Busch. But if you’re looking for a ‘long shot,’ check with Kurt Busch, because he claims he’s dated a sniper. And he has great odds for the money.”
4. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer gambled with a two-tire pit stop and beat Kevin Harvick on a restart, then took the win when rain cut short the Firestarters Casino 400.
“I got the jump on Harvick on that final restart,” Bowyer said. “For the second time on Sunday, it was like someone was shot out of a cannon.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 18th at Michigan.
“Rain delayed the start of the race,” Truex said, “and rain shortened the race. As far as I, the 2018 Monster Energy Cup champion, is concerned, it’s ‘reigning‘ all the time.”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan.
“The checkered flag flew early on Sunday,” Keselowski said. “Now, I could be referring to our race, or the Canadian Grand Prix, where supermodel Winnie Harlow flew the checkered flag two laps early. She should be embarrassed. Harlow’s next trip down the runway should be on the cat-walk of shame.”
7. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole at Michigan and finished third, as Stewart-Haas Racing finished 1-2-3.
“That’s right,” Busch said. “My SHR teammates Clint Bowyer and Kevin Harvick finished first and second. Team owner Tony Stewart is thrilled. The last time Tony and I were involved in a ‘1-2-3,’ it was after he punched me in the NASCAR hauler.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson, seeking his fourth-straight win at Michigan, struggled to a 28th-place finish at Michigan.
“I was slowed by a spin in the grass on Lap 85,” Larson said. “That left a huge divot. And, to make another golf reference, the rain made sure that no one had a ‘green in regulation.'”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney won Stage 1 at Michigan and finished with an eighth-place finish.
“Michigan may have had the best pre-race show in NASCAR history,” Blaney said. “Mostly because a daredevil was shot out of a cannon into a net. That’s excitement. And speaking of ‘excitement,’ the original ‘human cannonball’ in NASCAR was ‘Mr. Excitement’ himself, Jimmie Spencer, who once emptied the water when he once plopped into a swimming pool.”
10. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Michigan and is now eighth in the points standings, 196 out of first.
“We have a week off,” Hamlin said, “then it’s off to Sonoma, in California wine country, for a road course race. I’m not sure traditional NASCAR fans enjoy road races. They prefer the combination of alcohol and twists and turns to comprise their drunken drive home from an oval race.”