Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick bumped Kyle Busch out of the lead with six laps to go to win the New Hampshire 301.
“I had to get Kyle out of the way,” Harvick said. “That’s called making a ‘move.’
“Now, of course, I expect Kyle to retaliate at some point. This is NASCAR. The name of the game is ‘tit for tat,’ which is also the name of the game for the chests of some of our finest female race fans.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished second at New Hampshire after getting bumped out of the lead with six laps to go.
“Harvick blatantly moved me out of the way,” Busch said. “And he can ‘kiss my ass,’ which, come to think of it, is exactly what he did when he put his front end on my back end.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex won Stage 1 and led 83 laps at New Hampshire on his way to a fourth-place finish.
“5-Hour Energy won’t be renewing its sponsorship for next season,” Truex said. “Not to worry, though. We’re in talks with a similar brand geared toward developing adolescents, called ‘Booster Shot.'”
4. Kurt Busch: Busch started on the pole and finished eighth in the New Hampshire 301.
“My brother Kyle called me a ‘dipshit’ during the race,” Busch said. “I’ve made it a point in my life not to listen to anything Kyle says. That was made easier when I had my ears surgically reduced in 2006.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano came home ninth at New Hampshire.
“This was New Hampshire’s only race of the season,” Logano said. “They lost their fall date to Las Vegas. I can certainly sympathize. My early love life is peppered with ‘first and only’ dates.”
6. Clint Bowyer: Clint Bowyer finished 35th at New Hampshire, suffering his worst finish of the season.
“Loverboy played a pre-race concert,” Bowyer said. “Country music is more my thing, so I enjoyed the Loverboy set only slightly. You could say I was ‘lovin’ just a minute of it.'”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson took 12th in the New Hampshire 301 and is now eighth in the points standings, 258 out of first.
“Speaking of Loverboy,” Larson said, “they were rocking. They were on fire. And being that they hail from our neighbors to the North, that makes them ‘Canadian Bakin.””
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski struggled and finished 32nd at New Hampshire.
“I was pretty much out of it early,” Keselowski said. “But I thoroughly enjoyed the Kevin Harvick-Kyle Busch battle. It must be satisfying for Harvick to be trailing and then have the ability to move Busch out of the way. Kevin really ‘took it from behind.’ Maybe that headline is not the most suitable for newspaper publication, so let’s go with this one: ‘Harvick Humps, Bumps, And Trumps Busch.’ Much better.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 13th at New Hampshire and is now ninth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“Tony Stewart wants Cup cars to race on the dirt track at Eldora,” Hamlin said. “I think a lot of drivers would like that too, but to say it will definitely happen would be negligent. So, in the words of Kyle Busch pleading in response to careless and reckless driving charges in North Carolina in 2011, it’s ‘no contest.'”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola was leading late at New Hampshire until a slow pit stop and bad restart cost him track position. He recovered to finish third but was left wanting more.
“We blew it,” Almirola said. “We had the best car out there. Everything about the engine was working perfectly, especially the ‘choke.'”