Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Watkins Glen and led 31 laps before a fuel probe malfunction in the pits, necessitating an extra pit stop. Despite the issue, Busch recovered to post a third-place finish.
“We just didn’t get enough fuel in the tank,” Busch said. “In other words, I had a ‘halfsie.'”
2. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex stalked race leader Chase Elliott over the final laps at Watkins Glen, but was unable to make the pass. He eventually ran out of fuel and coasted home to a second-place finish.
“Elliott drove his butt off,” Truex said. “He hit all his marks, didn’t make a mistake, and was technically perfect. When I got behind him, I said ‘The chase is on,’ and boy was I right.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick came home 10th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen, scoring his 18th top 10 of the year.
“I was not a factor in the race,” Harvick said. “In fact, I was barely seen, which means I played the role of ‘Tiny Kevin Harvick’ and it wasn’t a commercial.
“NBC had a camera on my feet. If nothing else, it made former NFL coach Rex Ryan a viewer.”
4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished ninth at Watkins Glen, scoring his 13th top 10 of the year.
“NASCAR CEO Brian France was arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Busch said. “I’m pretty sure this will result in a revoked license. In other words, he’ll face a ‘drive-through‘ penalty.”
5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 11th in the GoBowling 400 at Watkins Glen.
“Chase Elliott and Martin Truex Jr. put on quite a show over those last few laps,” Bowyer said. “You could feel the suspense, and with the race being sponsored by GoBowling.com, fans were on ‘pins and needles.'”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished last after an oil cooler malfunction sent him through the sand on lap 2.
“NASCAR put my car on what is known as the ‘damaged vehicle policy,” Logano said. “The last time someone pulled the ol’ ‘damaged vehicle policy’ on me, it was Matt Kenseth.”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished sixth at Watkins Glen, recording his 12th top-10 result of the year.
“What a drive by Chase Elliott,” Larson said. “He’s the son of Bill Elliott, also known as ‘Awesome Bill From Dawsonville.’ Chase’s win gave Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win, but more importantly, it puts him in the Chase For The Cup. Plus, he may have secured the title of ‘Most Popular Driver.’ An appropriate nickname is ‘Awesome Chase In An Awesome Place.'”
8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Watkins Glen and finished 13th.
“All that work for the pole,” Hamlin said, “and I only led two laps. In the words of former JGR great Tony Stewart on his way out of the bathroom, ‘So much for clean air.'”
9. Chase Elliott: Elliott held off Martin Truex Jr. in the closing laps at Watkins Glen and won his first career Monster Energy Cup race, giving Hendrick Motorsports its 250th win in the process.
“My car ran out of gas on the cool-down lap,” Elliott said. “Luckily, a man I’ve always looked up to, Jimmie Johnson, gave me a push. So, much like Brian France, who took a ride in a police cruiser, it was left to an ‘authority figure’ to get me where I was going.
“My 62-year-old father will run the Xfinity race at Road America later this month. He’ll be driving for GMS Racing, and they’ve pledged to outfit his ride with a brand new exhaust system. Because if there’s ever a time for new exhaust, it’s for an ‘old fart.'”
10. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 17th at Watkins Glen.
“Brian France disgraced himself by getting arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance,” Keselowski said. “France was taken to the slammer is shackles. That’s embarrassing. But let’s make it even more embarrassing and call those shackles the ‘HANDS Device.'”