Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Stages 1 and 2 and led 108 laps on his way to a dominant win in the Consumers Energy 400 at Michigan.
“The No. 4 Ford was super-fast,” Harvick said. “And, with Busch Light beer sponsoring the car, it was a case of ‘drinking and driving’ that turned out well.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch started second at Michigan and finished third, his second consecutive third-place finish and 17th top five of the season.
“I still have the lead in the Monster Energy Cup points standings,” Busch said. “So, if the question is who’s on top in the points, much as in the case of Brian France, you can charge me with ‘possession.'”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home 14th in the Consumers Energy 400.
“I was so close to winning at Watkins Glen,” Truex said. “Then I come crashing back down to earth with a disappointing 14th at Michigan. Talk about a sobering experience.”
4. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Consumers Energy 400, posting his 14th top-10 result of the year.
“Did you see Ty Dillon run over a chunk of debris on Lap 134?” Busch said. “And this was no small piece of debris. I’m surprised NASCAR officials missed it. Of course, they’ve been known to see debris that actually isn’t there. So, the fact that the didn’t see something that was clearly visible is no surprise. Apparently, much like Brian France, they were ‘blinded.'”
5. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 12th at Michigan as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick claimed a dominant victory.
“Kevin is driving like a champ,” Bowyer said. “It’s like he’s from another planet. Let me clarify: if the subject is a 2018 Monster Energy Cup championship celebration party for Kevin, you can go ahead and ‘planet.'”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took the runner-up spot at Michigan as Kevin Harvick drove away for an easy victory.
“Harvick’s son Keelan picked up the checkered flag,” Keselowski said. “Then he hitched a ride with his dad to Victory Lane. Of course, it’s not like Keelan could drive there himself. It just goes to show that even a six-year-old knows when to call a designated driver.”
7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Michigan.
“I pitted on the pace lap to replace a shock absorber,” Logano said. “And anytime you pit on the pace lap for a shock, you know it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
8. Kyle Larson: Larson, always strong at Michigan, finished 17th in the Consumers Energy 400.
“Kevin Harvick totally dominated this race,” Larson said. “He won every stage of the race handily. For fans of the sport, it was incredibly boring. It was so boring, it could drive a man to drink. And in some case, the drinking comes before the driving.”
9. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Michigan and finished eighth.
“The Playoff field of 16 will be set in a few weeks,” Hamlin said. “And just seconds after that, we’ll be able to identify the 13 drivers that have zero chance of winning the Cup. There’s the ‘Big 3,’ and then there’s the ‘Little 13.'”
10. Chase Elliott: Elliott started 21st and finished ninth at Michigan.
“I’m still on a high from the events of last week at Watkins Glen,” Elliott said. “Just to be clear, that’s not a quote from Brian France.”