Please Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch battled back from a start of 39th and took the win at Richmond, earning his 50th career Cup victory.
“They say ‘Virginia is for lovers,” Busch said. “But did you hear the fans? ‘Virginia is for haters.'”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski led late at Richmond but faded and finished ninth.
“I had an ongoing battle with Kyle Busch,” Keselowski said. “As you know, we don’t like each other, but we raced clean. We raced side-by-side for several laps. We were so close, we traded paint, as well as insults.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was strong early at Richmond, winning the first two stages, and came home third in the Federated Auto Parts 400.
“We didn’t win,” Truex said, “but I clinched my spot in the round of 12 based on points. That really puts me at ease. It’s always good to know that your immediate future is secure.”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the pole and ran near the front all night at Richmond on his way to a second in the Federated Auto Parts 400.
“I thought I’d be able to run down Kyle Busch at the end,” Harvick said. “It looked like he’d used up his tires getting past Brad Keselowski. I guess those Goodyear tires are better than I thought. I guess I owe Goodyear an apology, because, ironically, I blistered them with my words after the Las Vegas race.”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished seventh at Richmond and is seventh in the playoff points standings.
“Next up on the schedule is the ‘roval’ at Charlotte,” Larson said. “Nobody knows what to expect there. They’re calling it the ‘Great Unknown,’ so it shares its nickname with Kurt Busch’s day-to-day mental state.”
6. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished fifth at Richmond and is sixth in the playoff standings.
“All I have to do at Charlotte is have a solid finish,” Almirola said, “and I should be a lock to advance to Round 2. That’s assuming things don’t go ‘haywire’ at Charlotte, which happens to be the route drivers will be taking on a course they’re not very familiar with.”
7. Chase Elliott: Elliott led 34 laps and finished fourth at Richmond.
“The No. 9 Chevy was fast,” Elliott said. “Now that it’s football season, we like to call the Hooters car the ‘Juggs Machine.'”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at Richmond as younger brother Kyle won. Kurt is eighth in the playoff standings.
“Kyle drove a heck of a race,” Busch said. “And he won the spring race at Richmond as well. We call that a ‘sweep.’ Judging by fans’ opinions of Kyle, you’d think he’d riding a broom instead of using one.”
9. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished sixth at Richmond.
“Brian France pleaded not guilty to driving while impaired,” Blaney said. “Everybody knows he’s guilty, but as a high-powered NASCAR official, he can afford a high-priced lawyer who will argue France is above the law. So, France might as well just plead guilty to being drunk on power.”
10 (tie). Joey Logano: Logano finished 14th, one lap down, in the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond.
“I had an uncontrolled tire penalty,” Logano said. “That’s an aggravating penalty, but it’s not the worst fate. What’s worse than an uncontrolled tire penalty? An ‘uncontrolled bore,’ which is what happens when a normally mild-mannered and uninteresting person like Matt Kenseth loses his mind and wrecks you.”
10. (tie) Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 10th at Richmond.
“Dale Earnhardt Jr. finished fourth in the Xfinity face on Friday night,” Bowyer said. “It was great to see Junior back on the track. Fans love seeing Junior driving, but Junior loves broadcasting. But we can’t have both. Or can we? Why not let Junior call a race from inside the car. It’s a win-win situation, and that’s two more wins than Junior’s used to getting on race day.”