Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 26th at Talladega and is now third in the playoff points standings.
“Stewart-Haas Racing totally dominated the race,” Harvick said. “It was like they were leading the world’s fastest funeral procession, because they ‘buried’ the field.”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick faded to 28th after being forced to pit for fuel with three laps remaining at Talladega.
“That cost people a free Bloomin’ Onion at Outback Steakhouse,” Harvick said. “But no apology from me is in ‘order,’ because a chance at the win at Talladega is way more ‘appetizing.'”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 31st in the 1000Bulbs.com 500 at Talladega.
“Since I won at Dover,” Elliott said, “I was the only driver able to remain calm at Talladega. So, while I was thinking ‘relax,’ many others were thing ‘Exlax.'”
4. Aric Almirola: Almirola passed Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kurt Busch, who ran out of gas, and took a huge win at Talladega. Almirola advances to the third round of the NASCAR playoffs.
“I’m the least well-known driver in the Stewart-Haas stable,” Almirola said. “So, while I was riding on their bumpers for most of the race, I’ve been riding on their coattails for much longer.”
5. Kurt Busch: Busch won the pole at Talladega and led 108 laps, but his victory hopes were dashed when he ran out of fuel on the final lap, handing Stewart-Haas teammate Aric Almirola the win.
“The race went to overtime,” Busch said, “otherwise I have enough fuel to hang on for the win. As it was, Aric Almirola was the one making the ‘splash.'”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished fifth in the 1000Bulbs.com 500 at Talladega.
“That’s right,” Logano said, “the ‘1000Bulbs.com’ was the name of the race. Be careful typing that website address. That ‘u’ and ‘l’ are a doozy.”
7. Martin Truex, Jr.: A mechanical issue plagued Truex throughout the day at Talladega, resulting in a 23rd-place finish. It left Truex in the final transfer spot as an elimination race looms at Kansas.
“That means I’ll be racing for the win,” Truex said. “And that means I’ll go out of my way to get the win. And that means that if Jimmie Johnson is in my way, I’ll move him out of the way.”
8. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer started second at Talladega and finished second as Stewart-Haas Racing swept the top 2, as well as sweeping the top 4 in qualifying.
“Ten drivers are vying for 6 spots at Kansas,” Bowyer said. “That means 4 drivers will go home disappointed, as well as all fans in attendance at Kansas Speedway’s boring track.”
9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 27th at Talladega.
“I’ll need a solid finish at Kansas to advance to Round 3,” Keselowski said. “I certainly don’t want to leave Kansas and have to tell my dog, ‘We’re not in the playoffs anymore.'”
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 29th and now heads to Kansas needing a strong finish to advance to Round 3 of the playoffs.
“I plan to let it all hang out at Kansas,” Blaney said. “‘That’s a phrase you don’t mind hearing a NASCAR driver say, but you definitely don’t want to hear a NASCAR fan say it.”