Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch was in contention for the in on Saturday night at Kansas before a flat right-rear tire ruined his night. He finished 30th, three laps down.
“That ends my streak of top-10 finishes,” Busch said. “But 11 top 10’s and three wins in the first 12 races is quite a feat. So, when people ask me how I’m doing, I could say, ‘I can’t complain.’ But that would be a lie.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski surged late and held on in overtime to win the Digital Ally 400 at Kansas. It was his third win of the season, and Team Penske’s fourth triumph of the year.
“I got an awesome start on the final restart,” Keselowski said. “Some say I went too early. But let’s face it, NASCAR is a sport in which, almost exclusively, white men can jump.”
3. Joey Logano: Logano came home 15th at Kansas as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski took the win.
“After my car failed post-qualifying inspection two times,” Logano said, “my crew chief Todd Gordon was sent packing, which was a real downer for the team. So, here is the order of events at Kansas for us: ‘rejected, ejected, dejected.'”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished fourth in the Digital Ally 400, posting his third consecutive top-five finish. He is fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 55 out of first.
“I feel good about the season,” Elliott said. “I feel like I’m fast enough, mature enough, and talented enough to win the championship. Nothing would satisfy me more than taking the Monster Energy Cup championship trophy and holding it over my head, which is what my dad Bill has been doing with his one Cup trophy since I started racing.”
5. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 19th at Kansas.
“Well,” said Truex, “you can’t win them all. And, if you drive for Stewart-Haas Racing, you can’t win any of them.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick was the car to beat early at Kansas, but a flat tire with 90 laps to go forced him out of pit sequence. He finished 13th and is now third in the points standings, 38 out of first.
“I’m extremely frustrated with our bad luck,” Harvick said. “I’m at a loss for words, and also at a loss for races. Stewart-Haas Racing is still winless on the year. But, as an organization, we have to stay positive. Our attitude must be ‘un-defeated.'”
7. Kurt Busch: Busch finished seventh at Kansas, posting his eighth top 10 of the year.
“I think the NASCAR rules package actually made for better racing,” Busch said. “I actually heard cheers from the fans in the stands. So, amazingly, it had the opposite effect on my brother Kyle, because it silenced him.”
8. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 16th, one lap down, at Kansas as Joe Gibbs Racing managed to place only one car in the top 10.
“It was a very disappointing day,” Hamlin said. “But after the last race at Dover, even a result as mediocre as 16th, is a ‘breath of fresh air.’ And I needed that after suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning at Dover. Carbon monoxide is colorless, like the NASCAR fan base, and odorless, unlike the NASCAR fan base, and tasteless, like Tony Stewart.”
9. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished fifth at Kansas after scrapping with Erik Jones in the closing laps.
“Jones blatantly blocked me,” Bowyer said. “At a race in my home state, no less. And this native is restless.”
10. Alex Bowman: Bowman took second at Kansas for his third straight runner-up finish.
“I’m making progress,” Bowman said, “and so is Hendrick Motorsports. Even Jimmie Johnson scored a top-10 finish. That was his fifth top 10 of the year. So, in the 12 races thus far this year, Jimmie has been out of the top 10 seven times. And that’s why we now call Jimmie ‘Seven-time.'”