Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: Logano took the win in the Pennzoil 400 at Las Vegas, staying on the track during a late caution to secure the win.
“My crew chief Paul Wolfe said to pit,” Logano said, “but I didn’t hear him, so I stayed out. Now, a lot of people are telling me I should have my ears checked, most notably Kurt Busch’s cosmetic surgeon.”
2. Ryan Blaney: Blaney seemed headed to victory at Las Vegas before Ross Chastain’s spin brought out the caution with six laps to go. Blaney hit the pits, but Joey Logano stayed out to steal the win. Blaney finished 11th and leads the points standings.
“I guess we should have stayed out,” Blaney said. “It was a regrettable decision, but we can always learn from our mistakes. As a team, we usually meet and discuss the big mistakes we’ve made. We call it the ‘craps!’ table.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished eighth at Las Vegas and is third in the Cup series points standings.
“Compared to Daytona,” Harvick said, “this race was pretty boring. There were no huge crashes, no photo finish, and no President taking a lap. So apparently, what happens in Daytona stays in Daytona.”
4. Ricky Stenhouse Jr.: Stenhouse finished third in the Pennzoil 400 and is fifth in the Cup points standings.
“It’s early in the season,” Stenhouse said. “I know because I’m fifth in the points standings.
“But I believe I can keep it going, because I believe in myself, and unlike Aaron Rodgers, I believe in God. I don’t think Danica Patrick shared my faith. Clearly, she was less in tune with the ‘heavenly father,’ and more in tune with ‘Go Daddy.'”
5. Kyle Larson: Larson finished ninth in the Pennzoil 400.
“The members of the 1980 Olympics gold medal-winning hockey team served as grand marshals,” Larson said. “The last time this sport experienced a ‘Miracle On Ice,’ was when Jeremy Mayfield was able to drive while high on meth.”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 17th at Las Vegas.
“It was a tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing,” Hamlin said. “No one finished better than 15th. So, you could say, here in Las Vegas, JGR went ‘bust.’ In other words, it was a case of ‘Toyota-ta‘s.'”
7. Chase Elliott: Elliott won the first 2 stages at Las Vegas, but suffered a flat tire with 50 laps remaining, which ruined any chance for the win. Elliott eventually finished 26th, one lap down, and is seventh in the points standings.
“I was dominating the race,” Elliott said. “My chances of winning the race were high, then, ‘Poof!,’ it all came crashing to a halt. It was the epitome of the phrase ‘Odds and ends.'”
8. Austin Dillon: Dillon finished fourth at Las Vegas after posting a 12th in the Daytona 500. He is sixth in the points standings.
“Did you see Michael Waltrip in the ‘Between Two Buschs’ segment on Fox’s pre-race coverage?” Dillon said. “Michael looked stoned. If his brother Darrell did the ‘Ickey Shuffle,’ then Michael must be doing the ‘Sticky Ickey Shuffle.'”
9. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto took the runner-up spot in Las Vegas in just his second race with Wood Brothers Racing.
“Obviously,” DiBenedetto said, “staying on the track during that late caution was the right call. And Ryan Blaney and William Byron learned a hard lesson about taking new tires. So, to all those who believe you should always take fresh rubber during a caution, well, they just need to ‘get a grip.'”
10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 14th on a tough day for Joe Gibbs Racing, who failed to place a driver in the top 10.
“I’ve won seven consecutive Truck Series races,” Busch said. “And Kevin Harvick has offered a $50,000 bounty to any full-time Cup driver who beats me in the next four races. Harvick can take that money and shove it, right back into his bank account because no one’s going to claim it.”