Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: Logano held off Kevin Harvick on a late restart to win at Phoenix, taking his second win in four races this season.
“I won despite serving a mid-race penalty for a loose tire,” Logano said. “Luckily, the tire was the only ‘one that got away.'”
2. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started on the front row at Phoenix and finished second, as Stewart-Haas Racing placed all four cars in the top 10.
“It sucks to come up short of victory,” Harvick said. “I really wanted to win. But I shouldn’t complain. Things could be worse. I could have been charged with a DWI and be the subject of a parody Twitter account.
“Tony Stewart will be racing in the Xfinity Series race at Indianapolis’ road course on July Fourth. He’ll be 49 then. That’s old. Tony’s so old, they’ll be calling July Fourth ‘In-Depends-Dence Day.'”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was collected in an early spin triggered by contact between Denny Hamlin and Brad Keselowski. The damage ended Blaney’s day with a 37th-place finish.
“I was just an innocent bystander,” Blaney said, and I don’t even want to talk to Hamlin or Keselowski. So, my avoidance off the track will be much better than it was on the track.
“And speaking of ‘minding my own business,’ I just signed a multi-year extension to stay with Penske Racing. I submit that all future NASCAR contract signings should take place on the track, where drivers can sign on the dotted line at the start-finish line.”
4. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 14th in the FanShield 500 at Phoenix and now sits fourth in the Cup points standings.
“Dillon Bassett and Brandon Brown had quite a scrap after the Xfinity Series race,” Bowman said. “Bassett was really irate. He really lost it. I wouldn’t be surprised if NASCAR pulls him for a random drug test. Then he’d be ‘really pissed.'”
5. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 12th in the FanShield 500 and is now fifth in the points standings, 33 out of first.
“I’m doing an IndyCar team test with McLaren Racing on April 6,” Johnson said. “Does this mean I’m leaning towards a future in open-wheel racing? Maybe. I guess the only thing stopping me is window-netting.”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski survived an early accident and finished 11th at Phoenix.
“It was quite an entertaining race,” Keselowski said. “Part of the credit should go to the ‘Awesome Sauce,’ which is what we call the grip compound placed on the track. The rest of the credit should go to the fans in the stands, who appeared to be ‘awesomely sauced.'”
7. Kyle Larson: Larson finished fourth at Phoenix and is seventh in the points standings, 43 out of first.
“I’ll be taking a shot at the ‘Kyle Busch Bounty’ in the Truck Series on March 20 at Homestead-Miami Speedway,” Larson said. “Rap icon Flo Rida will be in attendance cheering for me. He’s providing ‘100 hoes.’ I’m planning on providing ‘100 G’s.'”
8. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole and finished seventh at Phoenix.
“My chances at winning were doomed by a loose front tire,” Elliott said. “Just think, one lug nut ruined my race. Just think how many times drivers will be able to say that starting in 2021.”
“This Coronavirus outbreak is really wreaking havoc in the sporting world,” Elliott said. “Optimists say it won’t affect NASCAR at all. Pessimists say we may be forced to compete in front of an empty facility. But I think those people are just ‘grandstanding.'”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home third at Phoenix, posting his second-consecutive top-three finish.
“The bounty for beating me in the Gander Trucks Series is up to $100,000,” Busch said. “I was discussing this with my brother Kurt, and he said the last time he asked someone ‘What’s the price on my head?,’ it was to his cosmetic ear surgeon.”
10. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto finished 13th in the FanShield 500 at Phoenix.
“My fame grows by the day,” DiBendetto said. “Pretty soon, I’ll need a spokesman to handle my media requests. He’ll just repeat things I say to the media. I’ll call him ‘Matt DiBeneditto.'”