Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick won Saturday’s Pocono race and finished 2nd in Sunday’s Pocono 350. He leads the points standing by 52 over Ryan Blaney in second.
“This was the first weekend doubleheader in NASCAR history,” Harvick said. “And I almost scored a ‘double.’ Tim Richmond once ‘hit for the cycle’ in Pocono, when he scored on the track, at the casino, in the bedroom, and with his dealer.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin used astute pit strategy to get the edge at Pocono, and easily held off Kevin Harvick to win the Pocono 350.
“We gambled by just taking two tires on our final pit stop,” Hamlin said. “We knew we needed an advantage over Kevin Harvick. Harvick is called ‘The Closer.’ Similarly, Corey LaJoie calls me ‘The Close(r) But No Cigar.'”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 2 at Pocono and finished 11th.
“It was a solid finish,” Keselowski said, “and I’m thrilled at where this team is headed. I can’t wait to get to the track every weekend. It’s something else to hear those four words uttered every weekend. No, not ‘Gentlemen, start your engines,’ but ‘garage door pull handle.'”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 4th at Pocono, posting his 7th top 5 of the year.
“We’re next off to Indianapolis for the Big Machine Vodka 400 At The Brickyard,” Elliott said. “In years past, Daytona was on the schedule for that week in July. I’m sure you’ve heard of the ‘Firecracker 400.’ There are some NASCAR fans who think the name was changed because it had the word ‘cracker’ in it.”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 22nd at Pocono after suffering damage when he and Kyle Busch made contact midway through the race, sending Busch into the wall and out of the race.
“Don’t blame me,” Blaney said. “Blame the lapped car of Garrett Smithley. I came up on Smithley fast, and asked myself, ‘What is Garrett Smithley doing here?’ That, interestingly enough, is the same question other drivers were asking before the race.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano came home 24th at Pocono, as handling issues caused struggles. He is 6th in the points standings, 81 out of first.
“I wrecked the primary car late in Saturday’s race,” Logano said, “and it was a struggle on Sunday. But we tried our best, and that’s all you can ask. When you wreck your primary car, it’s like falling down, and all you can do is get ‘backup’ and start again.”
7. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 9th at Pocono after a spirited last-lap battle with Clint Bowyer, who took 8th.
“Apparently,” Bowman said, “Clint really wanted that coveted 8th place. I wasn’t about to wreck my car battling for 8th, so I told Clint, ‘Go ahead, make your day.”
8. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished 10th at Pocono, recording his 8th top-10 finish of the season,
“We nearly ran out of daylight before finishing the race,” Truex said. “So, NASCAR has, once again, vanquished the ‘forces of darkness.'”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch won Stage 1 at Pocono and finished 13th.
“My brother Kyle wasn’t happy after lapped traffic caused an accident with Ryan Blaney,” Busch said. “Kyle hates lapped traffic, and he hates the practically amateur drivers who cause it. If Kyle had to grade these drivers, he’d give them an ‘F.’ And he’d like NASCAR to get the ‘F’ out of the way.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson overcame a pass-through penalty to finish 16th at Pocono.
“We had a tire get away from us in the pits,” Johnson said. “I’m not sure where a tire is looking to go when it ‘runs away.’ My guess is probably to a team that’s won a race in the last three years.”