Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 62 laps and won the Brickyard 400, his third win at Indianapolis. He leads the points standings by 85 over Chase Elliott.
“For the third time,” Harvick said, “I got to ‘kiss the bricks.’ So, you could say I ‘made out’ pretty well at Indy.
“Indiana native Chase Briscoe won the Xfinity Series race on Saturday. That reminds me of when Indiana’s Tony Stewart won the Brickyard 400 in 2005 and climbed the fence in celebration. That was amazing! Not necessarily Tony winning, but the fence remaining intact.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led the Brickyard 400 with 10 laps to go, but a right-front tire failure sent him crashing hard into the wall and out of contention. He finished 28th.
“If not for that tire failure,” Hamlin said, “I’d be celebrating my 5th win. So, because of that unnamed tire manufacturer, I’ll just say this: ‘Goodyear, bad day.’
“I’m still winless at the Brickyard. And that bothers me. What bothers me more is when Corey LaJoie says the only time the words ‘brick’ and ‘yard’ are used in a sentence with ‘Hamlin,’ someone must be talking about me playing basketball in a prison recreation area.”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 4th at Indianapolis, posting his 5th top 5 of the season.
“Donald Trump is tweeting again,” Keselowski said. “He says the noose scandal was a hoax, and wants Bubba Wallace to apologize. And Trump says NASCAR ratings are down because of the Confederate flag ban. Does he even read these tweets before he sends them? He should, because take it from me, ‘drafting’ works.”
4. Chase Elliott: Eliott posted an 11th at Indianapolis, and is 2nd in the points standings, 85 behind Kevin Harvick.
“On a typical day at Indy,” Elliott said, “there were few, if any, passes for the lead under green. It’s been that way for years. So fans should always be aware that not much happens at Indy. That’s the real definition of ‘competition caution.'”
5. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 32nd at Indianapolis after he was involved in a bizarre pit road entrance pileup on lap 16.
“I had a crew member injured when he was pinned between my car and Brennan Poole’s No. 15 car,” Blaney said. “Now, if you asked me how that pit stop went, I could say ‘We crushed it.’ But that would be in bad taste, as would a ‘sandwich’ being used to describe the incident. My crew member is fine, though. It’s too bad I don’t drive a Dodge. I would have bought him a truck with a vanity plate that read ‘Cram Tough.'”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished 10th at Indianapolis.
“Corey LaJoie’s No. 32 car will have a ‘Trump 2020’ decal on it,” Logano said. “Many people are saying it should be subtitled ‘Russian To The Finish Line.’ Now, is LaJoie ready to be a winner in NASCAR. Many people are saying ‘Not nyet.'”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 13th at Indianapolis.
“This race was called the ‘Big Machine Hand Sanitizer 400 At The Brickyard,'” Busch said. “I used to fret endlessly about these sponsors giving races odd names, but as of today, I’ve washed my hands of it.”
8. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 30th in the Brickyard 400.
“Jimmie Johnson tested positive for COVID-19,” Bowman said. “Given Jimmie’s three-year winless streak, it makes sense that he caught Coronavirus before he caught a leader.”
9. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex was victimized by a pile up at pit road’s entrance on lap 16. The ensuing damage knocked Truex out of the race, and he finished 38th.
“I’m not sure what happened,” Truex said. “Everybody was coming to the pits at the same time. That’s what happens when you try to fit ‘too much’ into ‘too little.’ It’s akin to Jimmy Spencer trying to get into his racing suit.”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola took 3rd at Indianapolis as Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Kevin Harvick captured the win.
“Congratulations to Kevin,” Almirola said. “That’s five wins this season. He could very well be on his way to another championship. That would be two Cups. Couple that with Kevin’s Busch beer sponsorship, and you could say his career’s been defined by ‘Cups And Cans.’ Or maybe that’s just a topless bar in Florida.”