Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: After struggling early, Harvick rebounded to battle for the win at Kentucky. Alas, as he was racing Martin Truex, Jr. for the win, rookie Cole Custer powered past to snag the stunning victory. Harvick finished 4th.
“Congratulations to my Stewart-Haas Racing teammate Cole Custer on the win,” Harvick said. “He’s in the playoffs! So, I imagine he partied hard on Sunday night. I mean fall-down drunk hard. I’m guessing ‘Custer’s last stand’ occurred at approximately 11:00 PM Sunday night.
“My son Keelan got his first go-kart win on Saturday in North Carolina. You might think that Keelan would have by nature been interested in racing. He wasn’t. Not surprisingly, I had to give him a little ‘push.'”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 12th at Kentucky and is 6th in the points standings, 122 behind Kevin Harvick.
“We’re off to the All-Star Race at Bristol on Wednesday,” Hamlin said. “And get this, the cars will have ‘underglow’ lighting. At Bristol, that’s called ‘Thunderglow.'”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski won Stage 2 and finished 9th in the Quaker State 400, earning his 12th top 10 of the season.
“I spun Jimmie Johnson on a late restart,” Keselowski said, “and it sent him spinning into the infield grass. He’s showing symptoms of being pissed off.”
4. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 6th at Kentucky and is 3rd in the points standings, 95 out of first.
“How about that fight between Harrison Burton and Noah Gragson after the Xfinity Series race?” Blaney said. “Those guys were throwing some serious punches. I think I even saw a combination or two. It’s the very definition of a ‘1-2 finish.'”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 23rd at Kentucky.
“There’s a life-sized statue of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Sanders sitting in the front row at Kentucky Speedway,” Elliott said. “Obviously, he sits in a ‘bucket’ seat.”
6. Martin Truex, Jr.: Just when it looked like Truex and Kevin Harvick would decide the outcome, Cole Custer shocked them both by using a big push from Matt DiBenedetto to zoom by for the win. Truex settled for 2nd, and is now 7th in the points standings, 132 out of first.
“Wow!” Truex said. “Custer came out of nowhere. And that’s probably where he’ll return, probably in 15 minutes.”
7. Joey Logano: Logano finished 15th at Kentucky, and has only one top-10 finish in his last six races.
“We’re certainly not in championship form,” Logano said. “Honestly, I think we just need to work harder and be more committed to greatness. Take it from the dude known as ‘Sliced Bread,’ I know when you’re ‘loafing.'”
8. Aric Almirola: Almirola won Stage 1 and finished 8th in the Quaker State 400.
“It was a great day for Stewart-Haas Racing,” Almirola said. “SHR placed three cars in the top 10. Most importantly, Cole Custer won. So, let’s all congratulate Gene Haas on his ‘P1,’ because we surely won’t be doing that on his ‘F1.'”
9. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 19th at Kentucky on a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports, as no HMS cars cracked the top 10.
“I asked my Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson a question before the race,” Bowman said. “I said, ‘Are you sure you should be racing?’ Jimmie replied, ‘I’m positive.'”
10. Cole Custer: Custer made a daring last-lap pass for the lead, going four-wide to beat Martin Truex, Jr., Kevin Harvick, and Matt DiBenedetto to the line.
“My No. 41 Ford had the right stuff when it counted most,” Custer said. “Many people are saying they haven’t seen ‘speed’ like that in the No. 41 car since Jeremy Mayfield was driving it.”