Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at Texas, posting his 11th top five of the season.
“That was my 700th career Cup start,” Harvick said. “That means I’ve been around…..and around, and around.”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski took ninth in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.
“Texas Motor Speedway was the site of my famous confrontation with Jeff Gordon in 2014,” Keselowski said. “That may have been when Kevin Harvick earned the nickname ‘Closer,’ because when he shoved me, I moved ‘closer’ to Jeff Gordon, who grabbed me by the collar. Good times.”
3. Ryan Blaney: Blaney swept the first two stages at Texas and eventually finished seventh at Texas.
“I had the best car,” Blaney said, “but not the best luck. I wanted this victory bad. I’ve always wanted the satisfaction of blasting those two celebratory six-shooters awarded to the Texas victor. Amazingly, this race doesn’t even need NRA sponsorship to be ‘trigger-happy.'”
4. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 20th at Texas after a late spin dropped him down the order. He is sixth in the points standings,143 behind Kevin Harvick.
“It was a grueling day at Texas Motor Speedway,” Hamlin said. “Temperatures inside our cars reached 140 degrees. Just to be clear, the ‘F’ stands for ‘Fahrenheit.’ If the inside of my car was a city and a state, it would be ‘Hot, AF.'”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott finished 12th at Texas and is now fifth in the points standings.
“I won the All-Star Race at Bristol last Wednesday,” Elliott said. “And I picked up a cool million. And I would gladly give it all to never hear Darrell Waltrip say ‘Boogity! Boogity! Boogity!’ ever again.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano finished third at Texas, joining Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski in the top 10.
“It’s great to see fans in the stands,” Logano said. “Of course, they have to observe social distancing guidelines. Now, if we could just get ‘spaced-out’ fans back in the infield campgrounds, all would be right with NASCAR.”
7. Aric Almirola: Almirola overcame an early blend-line penalty to score a 10th-place finish in the O’Reilly Auto Parts 500 at Texas Motor Speedway.
“If you’re unclear what a ‘blend-line penalty’ is,” Almirola said, “join the club. Apparently, it’s not an infraction in the process of making a margarita.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex was a victim in a chain-reaction wreck started when Ryan Blaney got loose early in the final stage at Texas. Truex’s No. 19 Toyota was turned into the wall, causing severe damage. He finished 29th.
“They say everything’s bigger in Texas,” Truex said. “And that includes the ‘One,’ because there was a ‘Big One.’ And the ‘one’ I’m talking about is Blaney, because he’s the ‘one’ that caused this accident.”
9. Austin Dillon: Dillon managed three late restarts and held off Richard Childress Racing teammate Tyler Reddick to win at Texas, his third career Cup win and first since Daytona in February 2018.
“First, rookie Cole Custer wins at Kentucky,” Dillon said, “then I get an unlikely win at Texas. That’s two surprise interlopers in the championship field. That’s bad news for drivers not already in the Chase, and good news for those drivers already in. Why? Because with Cole and I, that’s two less drivers the legitimate Cup contenders have to worry about.”
10. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Texas, posting his first top-five finish since a fifth in the first Pocono race.
“I won the Xfinity race on Saturday,” Busch said, “but was disqualified. Then I won the Trucks race later Saturday, and it stood. So, it appears the only ones that can ‘catch’ me are NASCAR inspectors.”