Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fought off the effects of a stomach bug to win the race at Atlanta.
“The race was called the ‘Folds Of Honor Quik Trip 500,” Keselowski said. “Trust me, with this stomach issue, I made a lot a ‘Quik Trips.'”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Atlanta after starting at the back of the field.
“Give Brad Keselowski credit for toughing out the win despite his tummy troubles,” Busch said. “It must be contagious, because now I want the chance to prove that I can win with an illness. In other words, Brad Keselowski makes me sick.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 45 laps in Atlanta and finished fourth.
“The surface at Atlanta Motor Speedway is quite abrasive,” Harvick said. “It really does a number on your tires. A fan suggested I discuss these particular issues on a web site devoted to extreme tire wear issues called ‘Grindr.’ Well, it turns out this site is not devoted to tires at all.”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex caught race-leader Brad Keselowski with two laps to go at Atlanta but couldn’t make the pass as Keselowski took the checkered flag.
“Ricky Stenhouse Jr. really held me up,” Truex said. “And I’m beyond frustrated. He was a lap down. Of course, it’s not the first time Ricky has held someone back. Danica Patrick dumped him and upgraded to Aaron Rodgers!”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 11th at Atlanta one week after winning the Daytona 500.
“Despite finishing outside the top 10,” Hamlin said, “I’m still atop the Monster Energy Cup points standings. So basically, ‘My Win At Daytona Has Kept Relevant,’ which may very well be the title of Trevor Bayne’s autobiography.”
6. Kyle Larson: Larson led a race-high 142 laps, but a late pit lane speeding penalty spoiled his chances for the win. He finished 12th and is fourth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“I got caught going too fast entering pit lane,” Larson said. “So, I was ‘too fast entering.’ I hear Brad Keselowski’s trouble was ‘too fast exiting.'”
7. Joey Logano: Logano struggled to a 23rd at Atlanta as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski captured the win, his 60th for Penske.
“I’m really proud of Brad,” Logano said. “That was a gutsy effort. I bet Brad was exhausted afterwards. In fact, I’m sure his first words were, ‘I’m pooped.'”
8. Erik Jones: Jones took seventh at Atlanta and has two top-10 finishes to start the season. He is seventh in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“As a teammate to Kyle Busch, Denny Hamlin, and now Martin Truex Jr.,” Jones said, “I’m low man on the totem pole here at Joe Gibbs Racing. But Joe Gibbs does a great job pretending I’m an equal. So Joe wins the Oscar for ‘best supporting actor.'”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished third in the Folds Of Honor Quik Trip 500 at Atlanta.
“I think everyone is happy with NASCAR’s new rules package,” Busch said. “And if you’d like to quote me saying ‘Impressive package,’ please do so in context.”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola started on the pole and finished eighth at Atlanta.
“I got busted for speeding on pit road,” Almirola said. “I had to question NASCAR officials’ judgment on this, so I did. And they answered, ‘Those are the breaks.’ Or they may have answered, ‘Those are the brakes.’ I guess both are good answers.”