Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch overcame a pit road speeding penalty to capture the Auto Club 500 at Fontana, scoring his 200th NASCAR victory to tie Richard Petty.
“This day couldn’t have gone any better for me,” Busch said. “First, Mötley Crüe gave the ‘Start your engines’ command. Then, I won the race. And my fans were even more excited. If you’re a Kyle Busch fan, then I’m your ‘Dr. Feelgood.'”
2. Joey Logano: Logano finished second at Fontana and is second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, 15 behind Kyle Busch.
“Kyle blew by Brad Keselowski and I like we weren’t even moving,” Logano said. “And Roger Penske is not happy, because his company is all about‘ moving.'”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex came home eighth at Fontana and is seventh in the points standings, 68 out of first.
“Kyle Busch’s first Cup win came at California,” Truex said, “and now his 200th NASCAR win took place in the state. Let’s not forget the other 198 winssandwiched between those two. I know Jimmie Spencer won’t, because he just heard ‘sandwich.'”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Fontana.
“It’s always tough to watch Kyle Busch win,” Keselowski said. “But let’s face it—Petty’s 200 wins all came in the Cup series. Kyle needed three series to equal the King’s feat. So, Kyle Busch will have an ‘ass‘-
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led some early laps at Fontana and posted a solid seventh at Fontana.
“Fans were booing us at qualifying,” Hamlin said. “But NASCAR shouldn’t be too concerned. Why? Because fans were at qualifying.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started second and finished fourth in the Auto Club 500.
“My car co-owner Tony Stewart is a nominee for the NASCAR Hall Of Fame,” Harvick said. “I doubt induction really means that much to Tony, mostly because he only gets to punch a ticket, and not Kurt Busch’s face.”
7. Aric Almirola: Almirola continued his strong start to the season with a ninth at Fontana.
“Our West Coast swing is over,” Almirola said. “Now it’s time for racing at Martinsville, where an ‘East coast swing’ means a driver you bumped and wrecked on Martinsville’s half-mile track just tried to punch you.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch finished sixth in the Auto Club 500, posting his fourth top 10 of the season.
“Congratulations to my little brother Kyle for tying Richard Petty’s record of 200 wins,” Busch said. “I guess that makes Kyle ‘King’ for a day. And the Busch family must be royalty, because many people have labeled me ‘queen for life.'”
9. Kyle Larson: Larson finished 12th in the Auto Club 500 and is now eighth in the Monster Energy Cup points standings.
“The members of Mötley Crüe served as grand marshals for the race,” Larson said. “The Crüe, more than anyone, wants to see a female driver prosper in NASCAR, mostly
10. Ryan Blaney: Blaney took fifth at Fontana and is now 10th in the points standings.
“Tony Stewart is nominated for the Hall Of Fame,” Blaney said. “In the same week, Mötley Crüe are grand marshals at Fontana. If there’s a song that encapsulates all of that, it’s ‘Smoke In The Boys’ Room.'”