Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Joey Logano: Logano started on the pole and survived an overtime restart to win at Michigan, giving Penske Racing its fifth win of the season.
“That’s five wins for Penske,” Logano said. “Joe Gibbs Racing has nine. The rest of the field has one. That should be very alarming to NASCAR. It may be the ultimate in competition cautions.”
2. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fifth in the FireKeepers Casino 400 and is now second in the Monster Energy Cup points standings, nine points behind Joey Logano.
“My brother Kurt almost got the win,” Busch said. “But alas, he finished second, which, interestingly enough, is better than he finishes when our parents rank their children, and they only have two kids.”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished sixth at Michigan as Penske Racing teammate Joey Logano took the win after starting on pole.
“It was a great day for Ford Motor Company in its place of origin,” Keselowski said. “Six of the top nine cars were Fords. I was lucky enough to dine with the Ford family on Thursday night. They, like me, will tell you that nothing beats ‘home cooking.'”
4. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third in The FireKeepers Casino 400 after Joey Logano pulled away on a late restart to get the win.
“I feel like Logano jumped the restart,” Truex said. “By the letter of the rule book, NASCAR officials should have penalized Logano and taken the win from him. That’s not unusual. You saw it in the Canadian Grand Prix. Sebastian Vettel finished first on the track, but a controversial penalty dropped him to second, and left him fuming. Vettel wnnt from ‘F1 to FU.'”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott came home 20th at Michigan, his worst finish of the season.
“Sunday was rained out,” Elliott said. “And we didn’t start on Sunday until 5 p.m. because Fox wanted to televise women’s World Cup soccer. It’s just further proof that NASCAR will always lose out to some sort of football. Ironically, in soccer, people complain because there’s too much passing.”
6. Kevin Harvick: Harvick started third and finished seventh at Michigan, and remained winless on the season.
“I’m very frustrated with my lack of wins,” Harvick said. “It’s hard for me to verbally express my dissatisfaction, so I’ll do so with the No. 4 car sponsored exclusively by Busch beer. It’s ‘total Busch-it.'”
7. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin took 11th in the FireKeepers Casino 400.
“We all love driving in races sponsored by casinos,” Hamlin said. “Little known fact: drivers gamble on more than just fuel mileage. Poker is the game of choice for most drivers. We take that to the next level by playing during races. ‘How can you drive, shift, and hold your cards?,’ some may ask. Well, with the help of the ‘HANDS Device,’ of course.”
8. Kurt Busch: Busch chased Joey Logano to the end at Michigan, but couldn’t manage to make the pass and settled for the runner-up sport.
“Several drivers tossed a football with fans during the rain delay,” Busch said. “I’m not the most athletic guy, so I didn’t participate. Heck, my last interaction with ‘pigskin’ was when I met with a back-alley plastic surgeon who suggested hog ear cartilage for reconstructive surgery.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished ninth at Michigan, scoring his first top-10 result since a fourth at Bristol in April.
“Former NASCAR CEO Brian France pleaded guilty to driving while intoxicated,” Blaney said. “His grandfather Bill is a member of the NASCAR Hall Of Fame; now Brian can finally say he got ‘busted,’ as well.”
10. Alex Bowman: Bowman finished 10th at Michigan, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports drivers.
“HMS used to win championships,” Bowman said, “much less races. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. HMS used to be the preeminent race team. Now, it seems Hendrick has entered the ‘post-eminent’ stage.”