Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch inherited the lead when Joey Logano ran out of gas with three laps to go, but Logano’s misfortune was a harbinger of the same for Busch, whose tank ran dry with one lap to go. Busch finished 21st.
“My fuel tank said ‘E,’” Busch said, “then I said ‘F.’ Who would have thought that my luck and my fuel would have run out at the same time?”
2. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished sixth in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, securing his 14th top 10 of the season.
“Hendrick Motorsports put three cars in the top six,” Johnson said. “Kasey Kahne put one in the pit lane wall. That’s what you call a pit stop.
“Pocono’s ‘Tricky Triangle’ indeed proved to be tricky. However, when you’re talking NASCAR, the triangle is not the geometric shape that first comes to mind. That would be the ‘cylinder.’ My fans know there are eight cylinders in the engine of the No. 48. On the other hand, Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s fans know there are 24 of ’em in a case.”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick’s engine blew on lap 20 of the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, relegating him to his worst result of the year, a 42nd.
“I’m not sure what happened,” Harvick said. “All I know is something went ‘Ke-boom! and the car went ‘Ke-put.’ And out we went in a plume of burning oil and fluids. I was upset, but Tony Stewart was elated. It’s the first time ‘Smoke’s’ had an impact on the Chase all season.”
4. Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Earnhardt finished third at Pocono, the top finisher among Hendrick Motorsports cars.
“It appears Kyle Busch isn’t invincible after all,” Earnhardt said. “For a while there, he was so dominant it looked like he could win without really trying. It took the end of the race on Sunday for validation that yes, he indeed was ‘coasting.’”
5. Joey Logano: Logano was leading with three laps to go when his fuel tank ran dry. Instead of his second win of the season, he was left with a 20th-place finish.
“In retrospect,” Logano said, “the ‘Windows 10 400’ should have been called the ‘Fuel Windows 10 400.’
“Luckily, no one was hurt when Brad Keselowski hit some of his pit crew when he went screaming into his pit stall. Now, you can add three crewmen to the list of people who believe Brad doesn’t know when to stop.”
6. Matt Kenseth: Kenseth grabbed his second win of the year after winning a fuel mileage war at Pocono.
“I can’t say we found a way to win,” Kenseth said. “I would say the way to win found us.
“Out pit strategy played out to perfection and resulted in a day I’ll never forget, and I owe it all to my gas can man. To him, I say ‘Tanks for the memories.’”
7. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex ran out of fuel with two laps to go, just moments after Joey Logano’s tank went dry while leading. Truex finished 19th and is fifth in the Sprint Cup points standings, 86 out of first.
“There were a lot of cars running out of gas at the end of the race,” Truex said. “So many that it bordered on being suspicious. Was it a mysterious conspiratorial ploy by NASCAR to add excitement to an otherwise boring race? If so, it would have to be called ‘Fume-igate.’”
8. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished second in the Windows 10 400 at Pocono, surviving as several cars running in the top five dropped out after running out of fuel.
“I ran into a few of my crew members on a pit stop,” Keselowski said. “Here’s the rundown on their health—they’re all okay. There’s video of the incident all over the internet, and it’s become very popular. Rumor has it Hollywood wants to base a movie on it. It will be called ‘Boyz On The Hood.’”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 37th at Pocono after an accident on a lap 66 restart sent him to the garage for repairs.
“On the bright side,” Busch said, “I had plenty of gas in my tank at race’s end. If you don’t believe me, just ask my former girlfriend Patricia Driscoll. She’ll tell you I’m still full of it.”
10. Carl Edwards: Edwards pitted late for fuel and salvaged a 10th at Pocono, his fifth top-10 result of the year.
“What a great race,” Edwards said. “I guess NASCAR was right—-slowing the cars down does make for more exciting racing.
“Not many drivers had the nerve to come in for gas so late in the race,” Edwards said. “Luckily, we had the guts to do it. As they say, you have to take the plunge before you take the splash.”