Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kyle Busch: Busch started second in the Foxwoods Resort Casino 301 and finished eighth, despite a brush with the wall in the final stage.
“I’ve had lots of experience with walls,” Busch said. “So have people who tried to interview me when I was a young punk.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano finished ninth at New Hampshire and leads the Monster Energy Cup points standings by three over Kyle Busch.
“I was just happy to get through the race without suffering from heat exhaustion,” Logano said. “Who’s not at risk of suffering from ‘heat’ exhaustion? NASCAR fans, that’s who. There is not ‘heat,’ also known as ‘rivalries,’ between drivers. And don’t tell me Clint Bowyer vs. Ryan Newman is a feud. It’s not. Newman has a notoriously hard head, and he was wearing a helmet, so he still doesn’t believe that Bowyer actually punched him.”
3. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished sixth in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301.
“It was the hottest race ever in New Hampshire,” Truex said. “And it sucked. Some of the younger drivers said it was ‘hot AF.’ I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I’m fairly sure it’s the exact opposite of ‘Cold AC.'”
4. Kevin Harvick: Harvick held off Denny Hamlin on the final turn to win at New Hampshire, his second consecutive win at the ‘Magic Mile’ and first victory since Texas in November.
“Finally!” Harvick said. “I’ve got a win. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. This freedom must feel like what mini-Kevin Harvick feels like when he strips down to his boxers and a T-shirt.”
5. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin wrecked in Friday practice and almost took the victory at New Hampshire in a backup car, finishing second to Kevin Harvick.
“Wrecks in practice are a sure-fire way to ruin a weekend,” Hamlin said. “Just ask my crew.
“But what about that weather? It was hot. It hovered around 100 degrees, and inside the car, it was even worse. I think Fed Ex should take advantage of this in a promotional sense and offer a new delivery package called the hot box’ for discreet deliveries.”
6. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 18th at New Hampshire.
“The Kevin Harvick-Denny Hamlin duel at the end had a lot in common with me and my brother Kyle’s battle at Kentucky,” Busch said. “The biggest similarity is that in both cases, the drivers involved really do not like each other.”
7. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski started on the pole and finished 10th.
“It’s good that Stewart-Haas Racing finally has a win,” Keselowski said. “With one word, Kevin Harvick silenced his critics and gave a shout out to one of his sponsors. He said, ‘Bu-schhhhhhhhhhhhhh.'”
8. Chase Elliott: Elliott suffered from mechanical issues and finished 29th at New Hampshire.
“It was a tough day for Hendrick Motorsports,” Elliot said. “We didn’t even have a car finish in the top 10. Plus we went through way too many cars. But I trust this organization’s resiliency. So, trust me when I say we’ll be ‘back up‘ next week.”
9. Ryan Blaney: Blaney posted his sixth top five of the year with a fourth at New Hampshire.
“Some guy named Andy Suess made his Cup debut in the No. 51 car for Rick Ware Racing,” Larson said. “And no, he does not drive for ‘The Cat In The Hat’ Jack Roush.”
10. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 11th at New Hampshire and is ninth in the points standings.
“What a drive by Kevin Harvick,” Almirola said. “He faced a huge amount of pressure from Denny Hamlin, yet Harvick remained calm and held him off. Considering the weather, Kevin picked the perfect day to have ‘ice water in his veins.'”