Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex started third, led 464 of 500 laps, and won at Martinsville Speedway in dominating fashion.
“I dominated in such fashion,” Truex said, “that the race became quite a borefest. I encouraged NASCAR officials to throw a ‘no-competition’ caution.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin started on the pole at Martinsville and finished fourth at Martinsville.
“Joey Logano and I had words after the race,” Hamlin said. “Joey gave me a light shove, ran away, and I went after him. Then I got taken down by one of Joey’s crew members. I would describe Joey like I would a car that completes all the laps in a race—‘still running.'”
3. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished seventh at Martinsville to start Round 3 of the playoffs solidly.
“There wasn’t a whole lot of action during the race,” Harvick said, “but things picked up afterward. Joey Logano and Denny Hamlin had a confrontation on pit road. This means ‘war.’ Unfortunately, in today’s NASCAR, with pit crew interference so common, it’s only a ‘war of words.'”
4. Kyle Busch: Busch struggled at Martinsville and finished 18th.
“I’ll have to contend with Aric Almirola for the rest of the season,” Busch said. “We made contact on the track and Almirola said he would ‘make it hell’ for me in the future. To that I say, ‘Hell yeah!'”
5. Kyle Larson: Latson took ninth in the First Data 500 at Martinsville.
“I’ve been racing with a fractured rib I suffered at Talladega,” Larson said. “It’s really affected my breathing. I think the only cure is a win, which would allow me to breathe easier.”
6. Joey Logano: Logano came home eighth at Martinsville despite contact with Denny Hamlin that left Logano suffering a cut tire.
“I confronted Hamlin after the race,” Logano said. “I just wanted an apology. He told me he wanted to consult with his ‘Joey Logano apology consultant’ prior to issuing an apology. That turned out to be Martin Truex Jr. At that point, I knew I wasn’t getting an apology.”
7. William Byron: Byron took the runner-up spot at Martinsville as Martin Truex Jr. won easily.
“Truex was unstoppable,” Byron said. “Once he got to the front, he was gone. He was so fast, he didn’t just say, ‘See ya!’ He said, ‘See ya, at Homestead!'”
8. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished fifth in the First Data 500.
“I’m pleased with my finish,” Blaney said. “But I’m only sixth in the playoff points standings. So, to my fans, I say, ‘If you’re gonna pull for someone, don’t pull for me. Pull for Martin Truex Jr. to win the next 2 races. That’s best for my playoff hopes.”
9. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished third at Martinsville.
“Roger Penske was awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom from Donald Trump on Thursday,” Keselowski said. “Roger reciprocated by sending a moving truck to the White House, which probably wasn’t the best idea.”
10. Chase Elliott: Elliott blew an engine in practice and was forced to start at the back of the field. It didn’t get any better as an engine failure left Elliott with a 36th-place finish.
“I’m not sure what’s going on with our engines,” Elliott said. “We talked to our engine department once, and they said things were fine. Obviously a lie. We asked them again and were told there were no problems. Again, not true. So, we have a big problem with ‘re-lie-ability.'”