Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth in the Coca-Cola 600 and remains atop the points standings with a 23 point lead over Joey Logano.
“Chase Elliott must be devastated,” Harvick said. “And it shows. Even with the specter of Coronavirus all around us, he still can’t ‘mask’ his disappointment.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano won Stage 3 and finished 13th at Charlotte.
“I turned 30 on Sunday,” Logano said. “NASCAR officials gave me a pit road speeding penalty for my birthday, apparently.”
3. Alex Bowman: Bowman won Stages 1 and 2 at Charlotte, but faded late and finished 19th. He is third in the points standings, 25 behind Kevin Harvick.
“Chase Elliott might be a little upset at crew chief Alan Gustafson for the decision to pit,” Bowman said. “I hear Gustafson came to Chase’s hauler to console him. Chase was having none of it. He told Alan to ‘Get out.’ And, most importantly, he told him to ‘Stay out!'”
4. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski stayed out on a caution with two laps remaining and held off Jimmie Johnson to win the Coca-Cola 600.
“I’d like to thank my team,” Keselowski said, “as well as the fans. I’d also like to thank the ‘man upstairs.’ That’s what I call the person sitting atop Chase Elliott’s pit box who made the decision to pit.”
5. Chase Elliott: Elliott pitted with the lead when a caution flew with two laps remaining, a decision that ultimately cost him the win. A dejected Elliott finished second.
“We blew that,” Elliott said. “It was such a bad decision, I gave myself the finger.
“We thought pitting was definitely the right call, but it turned out to be one of the dumbest moves we’ve made. No matter how you look at it, it was a ‘no brainer.'”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin finished 29th, seven laps down, after a disastrous start in Charlotte.
“I had a rough start to my night,” Hamlin said. “I had to pit before the green flag because my ballast weights fell out. My response was, ‘Weight! What?’
“On the bright side, I’ve already got two wins this season. So, mask or no mask, it’s easy to ‘put on a happy face.'”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished third at Charlotte, posting his second top-five of the season. He is seventh in the points standings, 79 out of first.
“Charlotte’s race was called the ‘Coca-Cola 600,” Blaney said. “When I looked into the stands, however, I thought ‘Coke Zero.'”
8. Aric Almirola: Almirola finished 15th at Charlotte.
“Kyle Larson won the World Of Outlaws race on Saturday night in Missouri,” Almirola said. “Earlier this year, he lost big in the ‘Words Of Outlaws.'”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch came home fourth in the Coca Cola 600
“It was an eventful week for Chase Elliott and his right arm,” Busch said. “First, I wrecked him in Darlington and he gives me the finger. Then, in Charlotte, he loses the race by his own hand.”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished second at Charlotte, but was disqualified after failing post-race inspection and relegated to last place.
“As Kyle Busch might say,” Johnson said, “you can’t fix this and have ice cream later. But if I were to have ice cream, it would definitely be from DQ.”