Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished 11th in the Supermarket Heroes 500 at Bristol. He leads the points standings by 14 over Joey Logano.
“It was an exciting finish,” Harvick said. “That’s the opposite of a smooth finish, which is what you get with Busch beer. Now, consider my sponsor obligations complete.”
2. Joey Logano: Logano took the lead from Denny Hamlin on lap 489, but was later pushed into the wall by an overly-aggressive Chase Elliott. Logano finished 21st.
“I gave Chase a piece of my mind after the race,” Logano said. “And I gave him a piece of my hand, the middle finger.”
3. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski fell into the victory at Bristol when Chase Elliott and Joey Logano made contact battling for the lead. Keselowski slipped by for the victory, his second in the last three races.
“That win fell into my lap,” Keselowski said. “So it only makes sense that I celebrate with a lap dance.”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott got loose and pushed Joey Logano into the wall, costing Logano the win as the two battled for the lead late at Bristol. Elliott finished 22nd and took blame after the race.
“Joey gave me a stern talking-to,” Elliott said. “That is, as stern a talking-to one can give while wearing a mask and reading glasses.”
5. Alex Bowman: Bowman was caught up in a Lap 298 crash triggered by Jimmie Johnson. Bowman’s day was done, and he finished 37th.
“‘Jimmie’s my teammate and a legend in the sport,'” Bowman said. “Those are the words the Hendrick Motorsports publicist asked me to say. And he asked me to say them seven times, no less.”
6. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin led late at Bristol, but was passed by Joey Logano late in the race. Hamlin then spun after making contact with the rear of Logano’s No. 22 Chevrolet and ultimately finished 17th.
“That’s a win I let slip away,” Hamlin said. “A few weeks ago at Charlotte, I dropped the ballast. At Bristol, I dropped the ball.”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney spun in Turn 2 on Lap 198 and was then crashed into by Ty Dillon, who had nowhere to go. Blaney finished 40th and is sixth in the points standings.
“I got a little too high going into Turn 2,” Blaney said. “And I was running in second when it happened. So, I went from ‘Thunder Valley’ to ‘Blunder Alley‘ in just a matter of seconds.”
8. Kyle Busch: Busch finished fourth at Bristol.
“So much for my rivalry with Chase Elliott,” Busch said. “It looks like Chase and Joey Logano are feuding. And that’s just what NASCAR needed. Or is it? If an on-track incident leads to a calm, rational conversation afterward, then that’s definitely not what NASCAR needs.”
9. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson spun Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. on lap 298, triggering the “Big One” at Bristol. Johnson survived relatively unscathed to finish third.
“I didn’t think I hit Stenhouse that hard,” Johnson said. “So, let’s just consider it his ‘brush’ with greatness.”
10. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 20th at Bristol and is seventh in the points standings, 68 out of first.
“The lower downforce package really improved the racing at Bristol,” Truex said. “As we saw so many times last year, too much downforce keeps the cars on the track, and fans in their seats.”