Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick struggled at Homestead, finishing 26th, one lap down. He still leads the points standings, with an eight-point edge over Joey Logano.
“I’m not used to finishing outside the top five,” Harvick said, “much less the top 10. Me in 26th place? That just doesn’t look right. It’s kind of like seeing Clint Bowyer’s head on a raving dancer’s body. I’ve seen the real Clint Bowyer dance. He does indeed have ‘moves like Jagger.’ That is, the moves of a 76-year-old man.”
2. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin won at Homestead in dominant fashion, sweeping all stages and leading 137 laps.
“I had a spirited battle with Chase Elliott on the track,” Hamlin said. “I had a spirited battle with Corey Lajoie on Twitter. They both finished second.”
3. Chase Elliott: Elliott battled Denny Hamlin late at Homestead, but couldn’t get around the No. 11 Toyota and settled for second.
“Joey Logano did me no favors,” Elliott said. “I guess he’s still irritated by what happened at Bristol. Heck, I already apologized, but he’s still being a dick about it. He’s also being petty. So, this is the first time that calling someone ‘Richard Petty’ was meant as an insult.”
4. Joey Logano: Contact with Ryan Newman ruined Logano’s night at Homestead and he finished two laps down in 27th place.
“I got loose,” Logano said, “hit the wall, and clipped the Oscar Mayer No. 6 car. Many people, including nearly all of my enemies, would say that’s ‘weiner on weiner’ crime.”
5. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski finished 10th at Homestead and now has seven consecutive top-10 finishes.
“Due to several weather delays,” Keselowski said, “the race didn’t end until 11 p.m. Hmmm. Eleven o’clock at night in Florida? I hear that’s just when the real action starts in this state.”
6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney was strong at Homestead, leading 70 laps and his way to a third-place finish.
“Trucks Series driver Ray Ciccarelli said he wouldn’t race again in response to NASCAR’s new Confederate flag ban,” Blaney said. “Then he said he might. All you need to do is look at Ray’s record as a driver, and you’ll see that his latest crusade is a lost cause.”
7. Kyle Busch: Busch finished sixth at Homestead as Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin took the win.
“I won the Craftsman Trucks race on Saturday night,” Busch said, “which snapped a two-race Trucks winless streak. And speaking of ‘streaks,’ a lot of other drivers might call me an ‘ass,’ but I have the shortest ‘skid marks‘ of any drivers.”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished 12th at Homestead and is sixth in the points standings, 53 out of first.
“My JGR teammate Denny Hamlin started on the pole,” Truex said, “won the first two stages, and completed the deal with the win. Not only did Denny ‘sweep’ on the track, I also hear he ‘mopped the floor’ with Corey LaJoie on Twitter. Oh well.”
9. Alex Bowman: Bowman came home 18th in the Dixie Vodka 400 at Homestead.
“Just a week after the Confederate flag was banned,” Bowman said, “we ran the ‘Dixie Vodka 400.’ That’s interesting. Personally, I hate vodka. I hate it so much, I started a club of like-minded people. I call it a ‘hate group.'”
10. Jimmie Johnson: Johnson finished 16th at Homestead.
“The tunnel that leads to the track was named in my honor,” Johnson said. “The joke is it does lead to the track, but doesn’t lead to Victory Lane.”