Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick finished fifth at New Hampshire, posting his 13th top 5 of the season.
“You heard correctly,” Harvick said. “Busch Light Apple is a beer. And it tastes awful. It’s currently being sold in a special pack of twelve 12-packs. For those that don’t know, that’s 144, and, as I said before, it’s ‘gross.'”
2. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski dominated at New Hampshire, leading 184 of 301 laps on the way to his third win of the season.
“I said we needed to go out and dominate a race,” Keselowski said. “We did that. Credit for it all goes to my team. The car handled like a dream. And you can’t dominate without a car that steers well. That’s called ‘domineering.’
“Just a quick word about Kyle Busch, who finished dead last. It’s been a while since I’ve said something like this, but Kyle Busch is the ‘ass-end‘ of the race results.”
3. Denny Hamlin: Hamlin battled with Brad Keselowski all day at New Hampshire, but couldn’t overcome Keselowski’s dominance and finished second.
“Keselowski was unbeatable at New Hampshire,” Hamlin said. “There was only one thing stopping him, and that was his brakes.”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started third and finished ninth at New Hampshire. He is fifth in the points standings, 143 out of first.
“My Hendrick teammate Jimmie Johnson tested in an Indy Car recently at Indianapolis Motor Speedway,” Elliott said. “He loved it! So, once again, Jimmie ‘tested positive.'”
5. Joey Logano: Logano finished fourth at New Hampshire as Penske Racing teammate Brad Keselowski scored an impressive win.
“Brad got the glory,” Logano said. “And he got a lobster. It’s one thing to ‘claw your way to victory.’ It’s another to ‘Victory your way to claw.'”
6. Ryan Blaney: Blaney ran up front early at New Hampshire, but faltered late and finished 20th.
“They call the track at Loudon the ‘Magic Mile,'” Blaney said. “Personally, I witnessed the magic, because I led five laps early, then I disappeared.”
7. Aric Almirola: Almirola started on the pole and finished seventh in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301. He is eighth in the points standings.
“I hear Kyle Larson said he would love to race in the Cup series again,” Almirola said. “Unfortunately for him, NASCAR officials responded with the words no race car driver wants to hear: ‘Not so fast.'”
8. Martin Truex Jr.: Truex finished third at New Hampshire, right behind Joe Gibbs Racing teammate Denny Hamlin. Teammates Erik Jones and Kyle Busch finished 24th and 38th, respectively.
“They added a chicane to Daytona’s road course,” Truex said. “For those fans who may be alarmed by this, don’t be—he has the proper documentation.
“Anyway, we’ll be racing there in two weeks, but we don’t even get to practice. So, all of us will be going into that chicane blind. That should work out fine for some drivers, because they have lots of experience driving blind.”
9. Kurt Busch: Busch finished 17th in the Foxwoods Resorts Casino 301, and holds the ninth spot in the points standings.
“My brother Kyle slammed the wall on Lap 15 and was done for the day,” Busch said. “He finished last, and, at least for a day, is an embarrassment to the family name, in the ‘Pedigree’ paint scheme, no less. Kyle went from ‘dog food’ to ‘dog S’ right quick.”
10. Matt DiBenedetto: DiBenedetto placed sixth at New Hampshire, posting his sixth top-10 result of the year.
“Right now,” DiBenedetto said, “I’m one spot out of qualifying for the championship playoffs. You could say I’m ‘on the outside looking in.’ Or, to describe it in a way more fitting of the times, I’m ‘reverse quarantined’ from making the playoffs.”