Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
1. Kevin Harvick: Harvick led 223 of 311 laps to win the Drydene 311 at Dover.
“It’s always cool to win at Dover,” Harvick said. “And the ‘Miles The Monster’ trophy is the best trophy in NASCAR. It’s also useful on lonely days. When I get lonely, I sit that trophy on the couch and pretend I’m having a conversation with Bruton Smith.
“I clinched the regular season. The regular season doesn’t mean that much to me, but to old farts like Tony Stewart, ‘regular season’ means you’re on the toilet three times a day.
2. Denny Hamlin: An unscheduled pit stop cost Hamlin any chance for completing the Dover weekend sweep. Instead, he finished 19th while the main rival Kevin Harvick took the win.
“I had a loose wheel,” Hamlin said. “So, it appears the only thing ‘tight’ were the nerves of the crew member responsible. We can’t have crucial mistakes like that. Maybe that crew member should be cut loose.”
3. Martin Truex, Jr.: Truex finished second on Sunday at Dover, matching his Saturday result. He is fourth in the points standings, 196 behind Kevin Harvick.
“I really wanted both those wins,” Truex said. “So to come up short both times is gut-wrenching. So, instead of the ‘Double-Dover,’ I’m ‘doubled over.'”
4. Chase Elliott: Elliott started on the pole at Dover, but trouble struck early on lap six, when contact between Joey Logano and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. caused Elliott to hit the rear of Kyle Busch. Elliott finished 39th.
“This season,” Elliott said, “it’s not often you find yourself behind Kyle Busch. Last year, when Kyle won the championship, many people found themselves behind him. Who else may have found themselves behind Kyle at other points in time? State troopers.”
5. Joey Logano: Logano finished sixth at Dover, claiming his 13th top-10 of the year.
“I caused major problems for other cars when I made contact with Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.,” Logano said. “It was my mistake, so I take all the blame. And I have no problem taking all the blame when I’m at fault, on the one condition that punishment doesn’t come courtesy of Matt Kenseth.”
6. Brad Keselowski: Keselowski came home eighth at Dover.
“While we were racing at Dover,” Keselowski said, “the Indianapolis 500 was running at The Brickyard. Indy car speeds were approaching 240 miles per hour, so if its speed your comparing, Indy cars have our ‘milk.'”
7. Ryan Blaney: Blaney finished 12th at Dover and is now seventh in the points standings, 203 out of first.
“Erik Moses was named president of Nashville Speedway,” Blaney said. “He became the first black track president in NASCAR history. Many NASCAR fans honored the announcement by flying their Confederate flags upside down.”
8. Aric Almirola: Almirola led 22 laps at Dover and finished seventh.
“I clinched a spot in the championship playoffs,” Almirola said. “That’s an accomplishment. And that calls for a clenched fist. I’ll let those who haven’t clinched clench their sphincters.”
9. Kyle Busch: Busch finished 11th at Dover and clinched a spot in the championship round.
“I’m just glad I don’t have to go to Daytona to clinch a spot,” Busch said. “So, for probably the first time this year, you could say the No. 18 team is ‘locked in.'”
10. Clint Bowyer: Bowyer finished 16th at Dover.
“I haven’t officially clinched a spot in the playoffs,” Bowyer said. “But it would take an act of God for me not to make the playoffs. So, I’m praying that God doesn’t act. I don’t know if that makes me a Christian or a heathen.”